Well after weeks of being told, you need to step away from this semester...rest and start over next semester. My hard headedness is up. I withdrew myself from classes yesterday. That was very hard. Not only have I already paid for this semester...I had A's. What in the world? I will return next semester rested and ready to go. Right God?
I've been told many time lengths for this vertigo stuff. From a week to months. I passed 3 weeks on Saturday. You know me and my family...if we're going to be sick we're going to do it right and do it all the way. No sense doin it any other way.
I think God had a plan too. I was worrying about getting everything done and then next semester...I need to continue with school, we have the living cross...I can never say no to the cross...I love it too much. Well God went before me I guess. David has decided that the Living Cross needs a sabbatical. It will be weird having all that free time next year but you know what...I think its a great idea. Take a step back. See what we can do to make it better, more appealing to today's society. See what God would like to do with the Cross. Since we are moving into a new sanctuary, maybe God would like to make the some changes in that ministry as well. So though I will miss it greatly cause I love it. All of it. The crazy schedule, the memorizing of music, the performances, watching God move and seeing new people enter our church building to hear the message of Christ...love it all. I am seeing that God really does need me to rest. He's helping clear my schedule.
One last note and that will be all for today. I know short and sweet. Never comes from Candy. But it has to today. Have you ever tried to type when the room your in is spinning continuously? I'll do a bible study update later this week.
Congrads to LeAnn. Thank you to all that gave money so the girls could have a bunch of chances in the raffle. LeAnn won and will be eating dinner with the Brookville High School Varsity Football team, getting a shirt, a picture with the team, a ticket to the game and recognized during half time. She is SO excited. Terra and I will be tagging along and making fun for ourselves as well I'm sure.
Please pray that the girls congestion and cough will get much better by Friday. Pray that I will gain a motivation to actually get up and out of the house.
O Rockford will be graduating from school Friday night as well. We will miss his graduation but daddy will be there. Those pictures will be fun. It is amazing he will graduate and not flunk out of school. I'm telling you there is not a dog out there more dumb that this fella. You've read some of the stories so I don't need to go into detail. He must love his teacher cause he does whatever he is asked in school. At home...everything falls on deaf ears. I mean he played hide and seek in Pet Smart with the girls last week. He was really good. He also had to walk down an aisle where food and toys were thrown all over the floor and he had to walk down the aisle and leave all the toys and food on the floor. He did it too? Ask him to leave the deer poop alone outside and he doesn't listen. Ask him to put Scooter down, he doesn't listen. Just kidding...he doesn't pick up Scooter. Scooter will bite his head off. Scooter really does wear the pants in the family. Well we WISH he did. But you know what I mean.
You should see the dogs...I found my heating blanket. You must know, I am NEVER hot. I normally have the house so cold you could hang meat in it. I NEVER turn on the heat. This medicine must have a blood thinner in it or something. I am FREEZING ALL THE TIME. I mean, I'm sitting here with flannel pj pants, two tank tops, a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie and thick winter socks. On the couch where I am about to return...is two fleece blankets and a heating blanket on high. The dogs are loving it. This blanket it suppose to save our our water bill. You know when your so cold that the only way to warm up is to take a very hot bath? That has been me for three weeks. I've been taking 5-6 baths a day. Our water bill is not goin to be pretty I'm sure. So far the blanket does help.
Well that is it for us. If you need me I'll be home resting up a storm. I'm tired of resting. Any more resting I should go ahead and be dead.
Bored at home
Candy
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I must talk to Father about this
If God was waiting for me to be fed up...I am there. I said enough already, I must talk to Father about this mess...
Ok, here's the plan. We are going to start this medicine..this MOOD ENHANCER. Doesn't that sound funny?! Mood Enhancer...I can be sent to a spa for a day and have my mood enhanced. Why not go that route. But I continued to GIVE God the plan. The meds will begin to work in 2-4 weeks and we will be done with this mess. O and this Vertigo, who heard of such a thing. No more tea cup rides for the two of us mister. I mean, Father Lord God. Amen.
Yes ok, God didn't read the memo. Or I'm sure He didn't get it. Cause ain't a stinkin thing changed. Yet I saw Him show up. He had a different game plan though.
I am amazed at how God shows up...where ever we are. I have been burying myself in three books and still the Breaking Free study to try and keep some type of balance on things.
I cried out to God during the week of just illness...I can't wait to free of. I felt like I was sitting in a dark tunnel and having the biggest pity party anyone has ever thrown. There was enough wine and cheese for anyone that wanted to join. I was snottin away and saying anything just to have the sound of at least my echo to keep me from goin in sane. Does anyone else have that problem? Where silence just drives you crazy? Well too much of it. I mean I long for quite times, sometimes as well, but when your in the dark with silence for too long...I begin playing Marco Polo with myself.
Then a cried out, where are you Lord? You said you would be with me at all times. Where are you? In some moment I got a chuckle. I imagined Him telling me well, I played Marco Polo with you. It wasn't your echo it was My voice. I let you snot on My robe for a while. And the rest of the time, I just sat here whispering to you through the books you are reading. Here I thought the authors were speaking and no...God used it all to just keep me a float for a while.
I asked Him when we were leaving the tunnel? He said In MY time. Well okay then! That doesn't sound like a fool proof plan. I mean we didn't go over defensive end plays, whether it was going to be a short pass, goin long and a quarter back sneak. Or maybe even a Tebow pitch. I don't have a clue where to run and I know the play clock is WAY OVER 30 seconds. Almost at 30 DAYS.
So I'm just grabbing what He sends me. It might not make any sense to anyone but me.
So on with some lessons from Breaking Free.
I have to stop living in defeat when God desires me and all His children to life in Victory. Victory should be the rule not the exception. God knows I do not believe in being possessed. PLEASE do not send me any letters on this. This is just me. Maybe a downfall but just let me deal with my major issues before ya'll attack me on being possessed. Did you know that even though we are God's children that we can be so oppressed by the enemy that we feel possessed and I think in my situation feel DEpressed.
Isaiah 54:17-18 (NIV) no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord.
This SHOULD be our lives. God has given us the right, those of us that are His children, to refute warfare.
Let me just stop and say when I say WE, OUR or whatever I mean ME. It's just easier for me to write in that form.
So I asked myself, what's your problem here? Well THAT is a deep list of fish in the sea. I think for me, I'm SO stinkin hard headed. That God really has to lay me flat on my back before I realize...duh only He can help and guide and fix whatever is going on. Not my dearest friends Florence, Lynne, my wonderful husband, my daddy...I am the biggest people person I have ever met. I get absorbed with people. Certain people. Close friends. Like I wrote once before...God is asking daily? Where are YOU Candy? You do not have fulfillment in life cause your searching in all the wrong places. Only I can fill your every need. Only I can be EVERYTHING for you. I probably could have saved alot of heart ache had I learned this earlier. And I'm not saying I have it down yet. Sorry, my dear friends and loved ones. But God is working on it. God lays me flat but this time, I think He just popped my bubble completely. "Now you hard headed child of Mine, are you ready to learn to live in Me, live to fight the enemy, fight life's battles."
John 10:10 (NIV) the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I come that they (my children) may have life to the full.
How many times have I read that verse...and I still didn't get it? I think He wrote this next verse for me...
Judges 6:10 But you have not listened to me
I use to work with a personal trainer. I know your saying...use...have you looked in the mirror lately, you may want to start back! Okay Okay you see how messed up I am. Anyway, Brain use to tell me when I was screaming in pain and pushing all I could to do the last set of reps...I would have to say "I am more than a conqueror". God meant for us to be more than conquerors.
So I'm at that point where God is asking...Are you ready to learn? When will we as Christians learn that our plan is NOT working. I don't think God even tried my last plan. Guess He is tired of running the routes and I keep throwing interceptions.
But you know, I so don't want to go over all the things I'm doing wrong to see WHY they are not working. I just want God to free me from this dark place. But God is saying NO. My child we must deal with the whole truth and then we can move on.
I don't know about you but I'm good at handing this and this over to God. But THAT, I'll hold onto. But in order to be free we must make sacrifices. God is more than capable to handle anything we can throw at Him. And what I'm learning too is He is more than capable of turning our ugliest sins into sweet sacrifices as well. That's hard to grasp in my lil ol brain. My deepest darkest sin, (think of yours...) God CAN turn that into such a sweet sacrifices when we truly lay it at His feet. Wow. Isn't He good?
Jehovah Jirah, you amaze me.
Allow me to add this next lil bit. I read this book, yea the WHOLE book, in two days. It's only 112 pages. But let me tell you. The BEST $2.50 I have EVER spent. I love Amazon. It's titled the Red Sea Rules. Subtitled 10 God given strategies for difficult times.
Rule 1 Realize that God means for you to be where you are
I thought. really. Thanks you Father. What a field trip You signed us up for?
There's a quote by Charles Spurgeon "The Lord will make a way for you where no foot has been before. That which, like a sea, threatens to drown you, shall be a highway for your escape"
SO maybe this dark tunnel is like one of those coming out of New York City. a "highway of escape". I tell you if THIS is the escape, I don't want to know what I'm escaping from. God's word promises us over and over again that He will make a escape for His weary, but waiting, children. Our God is a great God. A patient Father. There is no sea deeper than the ocean of His love for us. No army stronger than His hosts of angels. No force greater than His throne of grace. No enemy can overcome His direct and indirect work in our lives.
I like how the author put it..."God will always make a way for His tired, YET TRUSTING, children, even if He must split the sea to do it."
Thank you Father. I read in a very old journal of mine the other day that "Worry is putting question marks, where God has put periods." I don't know who said it. But once again, "I did not listen to Him" the first time. I so need to learn to covert my worries into prayers and my fears into faith. I think Mrs. Beverly Lowry said that in class one day. I'm almost positive. So I guess my Father, placed me here for some reason, or allowed me to be here. I may not know why for now, but I know that when I'm ready for that missing piece of the puzzle of this part of my life, He will show it to me.
Sittin in the dark and talking to God
Candy
Ok, here's the plan. We are going to start this medicine..this MOOD ENHANCER. Doesn't that sound funny?! Mood Enhancer...I can be sent to a spa for a day and have my mood enhanced. Why not go that route. But I continued to GIVE God the plan. The meds will begin to work in 2-4 weeks and we will be done with this mess. O and this Vertigo, who heard of such a thing. No more tea cup rides for the two of us mister. I mean, Father Lord God. Amen.
Yes ok, God didn't read the memo. Or I'm sure He didn't get it. Cause ain't a stinkin thing changed. Yet I saw Him show up. He had a different game plan though.
I am amazed at how God shows up...where ever we are. I have been burying myself in three books and still the Breaking Free study to try and keep some type of balance on things.
I cried out to God during the week of just illness...I can't wait to free of. I felt like I was sitting in a dark tunnel and having the biggest pity party anyone has ever thrown. There was enough wine and cheese for anyone that wanted to join. I was snottin away and saying anything just to have the sound of at least my echo to keep me from goin in sane. Does anyone else have that problem? Where silence just drives you crazy? Well too much of it. I mean I long for quite times, sometimes as well, but when your in the dark with silence for too long...I begin playing Marco Polo with myself.
Then a cried out, where are you Lord? You said you would be with me at all times. Where are you? In some moment I got a chuckle. I imagined Him telling me well, I played Marco Polo with you. It wasn't your echo it was My voice. I let you snot on My robe for a while. And the rest of the time, I just sat here whispering to you through the books you are reading. Here I thought the authors were speaking and no...God used it all to just keep me a float for a while.
I asked Him when we were leaving the tunnel? He said In MY time. Well okay then! That doesn't sound like a fool proof plan. I mean we didn't go over defensive end plays, whether it was going to be a short pass, goin long and a quarter back sneak. Or maybe even a Tebow pitch. I don't have a clue where to run and I know the play clock is WAY OVER 30 seconds. Almost at 30 DAYS.
So I'm just grabbing what He sends me. It might not make any sense to anyone but me.
So on with some lessons from Breaking Free.
I have to stop living in defeat when God desires me and all His children to life in Victory. Victory should be the rule not the exception. God knows I do not believe in being possessed. PLEASE do not send me any letters on this. This is just me. Maybe a downfall but just let me deal with my major issues before ya'll attack me on being possessed. Did you know that even though we are God's children that we can be so oppressed by the enemy that we feel possessed and I think in my situation feel DEpressed.
Isaiah 54:17-18 (NIV) no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord.
This SHOULD be our lives. God has given us the right, those of us that are His children, to refute warfare.
Let me just stop and say when I say WE, OUR or whatever I mean ME. It's just easier for me to write in that form.
So I asked myself, what's your problem here? Well THAT is a deep list of fish in the sea. I think for me, I'm SO stinkin hard headed. That God really has to lay me flat on my back before I realize...duh only He can help and guide and fix whatever is going on. Not my dearest friends Florence, Lynne, my wonderful husband, my daddy...I am the biggest people person I have ever met. I get absorbed with people. Certain people. Close friends. Like I wrote once before...God is asking daily? Where are YOU Candy? You do not have fulfillment in life cause your searching in all the wrong places. Only I can fill your every need. Only I can be EVERYTHING for you. I probably could have saved alot of heart ache had I learned this earlier. And I'm not saying I have it down yet. Sorry, my dear friends and loved ones. But God is working on it. God lays me flat but this time, I think He just popped my bubble completely. "Now you hard headed child of Mine, are you ready to learn to live in Me, live to fight the enemy, fight life's battles."
John 10:10 (NIV) the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I come that they (my children) may have life to the full.
How many times have I read that verse...and I still didn't get it? I think He wrote this next verse for me...
Judges 6:10 But you have not listened to me
I use to work with a personal trainer. I know your saying...use...have you looked in the mirror lately, you may want to start back! Okay Okay you see how messed up I am. Anyway, Brain use to tell me when I was screaming in pain and pushing all I could to do the last set of reps...I would have to say "I am more than a conqueror". God meant for us to be more than conquerors.
So I'm at that point where God is asking...Are you ready to learn? When will we as Christians learn that our plan is NOT working. I don't think God even tried my last plan. Guess He is tired of running the routes and I keep throwing interceptions.
But you know, I so don't want to go over all the things I'm doing wrong to see WHY they are not working. I just want God to free me from this dark place. But God is saying NO. My child we must deal with the whole truth and then we can move on.
I don't know about you but I'm good at handing this and this over to God. But THAT, I'll hold onto. But in order to be free we must make sacrifices. God is more than capable to handle anything we can throw at Him. And what I'm learning too is He is more than capable of turning our ugliest sins into sweet sacrifices as well. That's hard to grasp in my lil ol brain. My deepest darkest sin, (think of yours...) God CAN turn that into such a sweet sacrifices when we truly lay it at His feet. Wow. Isn't He good?
Jehovah Jirah, you amaze me.
Allow me to add this next lil bit. I read this book, yea the WHOLE book, in two days. It's only 112 pages. But let me tell you. The BEST $2.50 I have EVER spent. I love Amazon. It's titled the Red Sea Rules. Subtitled 10 God given strategies for difficult times.
Rule 1 Realize that God means for you to be where you are
I thought. really. Thanks you Father. What a field trip You signed us up for?
There's a quote by Charles Spurgeon "The Lord will make a way for you where no foot has been before. That which, like a sea, threatens to drown you, shall be a highway for your escape"
SO maybe this dark tunnel is like one of those coming out of New York City. a "highway of escape". I tell you if THIS is the escape, I don't want to know what I'm escaping from. God's word promises us over and over again that He will make a escape for His weary, but waiting, children. Our God is a great God. A patient Father. There is no sea deeper than the ocean of His love for us. No army stronger than His hosts of angels. No force greater than His throne of grace. No enemy can overcome His direct and indirect work in our lives.
I like how the author put it..."God will always make a way for His tired, YET TRUSTING, children, even if He must split the sea to do it."
Thank you Father. I read in a very old journal of mine the other day that "Worry is putting question marks, where God has put periods." I don't know who said it. But once again, "I did not listen to Him" the first time. I so need to learn to covert my worries into prayers and my fears into faith. I think Mrs. Beverly Lowry said that in class one day. I'm almost positive. So I guess my Father, placed me here for some reason, or allowed me to be here. I may not know why for now, but I know that when I'm ready for that missing piece of the puzzle of this part of my life, He will show it to me.
Sittin in the dark and talking to God
Candy
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Mostly Pictures..See Rocks turn at the ER!!!
Look at the boyz...they are best buds
LeAnn found a new chair in the house.
I tried to show the girls what Candy Corn is good for....showing the red neck teeth..."What a tooth" (or two...)Scooter likes to help his mommy study for accounting...
Sometimes he gets a little tired but he stays by my side for support
Moms big boy...and yes I picked him up while her was asleep and he STAYED asleep...that's the blood hound in him
He's gettin TOO big for the automan...
See sometimes his botty and feet hang off
Mom I was here FIRST
Fine stay you can be a pillow
Scooter left and so with the pillow gone...head is now hanging off
My new pumkin carving idea!
I could be Martha Stewart...minus the jail time...well we hope anyway ; /
Rock helping Terra pack her school lunch...see how big
Breana comes over to take care of the girls while I take a hospital trip....LeAnn doin nails
Terra doin nails
Breana (the worlds BEST babysitte, adopted daughter and friend) with LeAnn
Breana with Terra
All three of my daughters
LeAnn working hard
LeAnn lost a tooth at school and got nothing other than a PICK box from the nurse to put it in
Rock and another snap at his odd sleeping positions
He was upside down with lips hanging open...too funny
You thought I was kidding but last Saturday I went to the hospital, LeAnn was there the week before and THIS WEEK Rockford heads to the animal ER...he broke a nail and chipped the bone in his right front leg...ran into the wall and his nail caught the air vent on the floor...NASTY
So look at his new ornament. We told him he's ready for trick-or-treating. Doesn't he look happy about that!
So pitful
Awe poor baby
So Scooter gets the tennis ball ALL to himself..He couldn't believe it
Scooter tryin to check things out
He was actually scared of Rock and his new DO
Scooter was upset he couldn't play. What's with him?
The sad part....the dog as been AN ANGEL since he got home with this tube on his head...maybe we need to make it a permanent outfit....
I thought ya'll would enjoy some pictures and less reading this time...I can't write that much for a while anyway. I am still on some heavy drugs...but did get out of the house today. Trip to the grocery store...I have never been so excited!!!!
Dacia..maybe this will make you smile.
But guess what...Terra has had a 101.2 temp for four hours....I know...NEXT for the sick train. I am going to be broke when all these hospital bills come in.
Wish TN would have beaten GA. But I'll survive. Now going to watch my Gators KILL LS WHO. YEs I except Tebows promise from last week. HE WILL MAKE A CHANGE AND THINGS WILL BETTER FROM HERE ON OUT!!!! You go my boy. Got Tebow?
Later Gators!!!
Candy
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I'm ok
It took me three days and many tiny segments to write all this.....
This is the color I've seen alot of lately...in scrubs that is.
I'm ok. Thanks for all your concern. No I haven't quit the Bible study already. No I did not get committed or anything. I just got really really sick. I have only been able to sit up for a max of about an hour today. So I know I promised more pictures and stuff this time round, but your going to have to give me a little bit more time here.
I don't know what happened. I just know that I got up Saturday morning, got dressed for the day as we had a birthday party in Roanoke and some arruns to run. No sooner than I put my clothes on something hit me. Not literally. I felt hot, sick to my stomach, panic attacks coming every half hour or so and extremely dizzy. I got rid of my ensure and applesauce real quick. I felt like I was on the tea cup ride at Disney and it was spinning VERY fast. I got back in my pjs. Good thing cause the next trip to the bathroom I apparently was due for some tile inspection. I hit the floor after passing out. Woke to my perfect little dog Scooter barking while standing over me. OUCH, that bark cut through the sudden pain I had in my head. Finally got Michael. Then apparently I passed out again when he went to call the ambulance. Cause I didn't remember agreeing to take a $600 dollar ride. I figured out later why these rides are so expensive and I'm here to tell you I will never go to the ER without paying for this ride first. More on that later. My $600 dollar ride was brand new and huge. I didn't see it but Michael said it was longer than a normal ambulance and brand new. Whatever. It still bounced me about like I was in a bumper car.
Because I must make this short, cause again I'm still on some VERY heavy drugs and though I feel like the tea cup ride is slowing down...it hasn't stopped yet. Anyway, after almost TEN HOURS in the trauma unit, we had 2 EKG's done, one CT scan of my brain, TEN tubes of blood taken and tested. I guess they take a guess of how many hours your going to be there and then your charge in the here and now that can't be paid by money, you pay in blood. By the way I had two great nurses. FINALLY Lynchburg General has some deceit nurses in the ER. PRAISE THE LORD. Marietta I think was her name and then Sue or Susan. My first was foreign. She was funny with her accent. So motherly. I never got a doctor...which was fine by me cause Dr. Wilgus was one the board and AIN'T NO WAY. He did Michael's inhumane proceeder earlier this summer. I got Lorietta Booney, a physicians assistant, poor thing after every option was exhausted...she said "you have me stumped". With no IV, ANOTHER PRAISE. I HATE IV'S. I have rolling veins so me and some student RN trying to chase a vein, ain't a good combination. I lose my religion. She gave me three pain meds, meclizine for the dizziness and something for the anxiety...thank goodness for the mound of fat on my back side she could stick it in. My pain was still unbearable, NO light, NO movement, room spinning, it NEVER stopped I tell you.
Let me throw in here...if your going to give a person a meds that already has panic and anxiet...don't give them something that makes them feel like a bunch of spiders are crawling all over them. It's like "she's not crazy enough lets see how far we can take her before we have to commit her."
Anyway Dr. Booney said she had me a room upstairs and was going to keep me for observation and more test. I begged her to let me go home. Mind you also, my blood pressure was SKY HIGH. 140 something over 90 something was the one I remember. I was about to agree to stay then I see a bunch of cops walk by my room. I freaked out. Hospital is on lock down. WHAT!!! Panic set in again. Forget this, I'm going home. She agreed to let me go with conditions I think that last thing she wanetd was me freakin out on her about the cops. She made me promise to come back if it worsened or didn't get better. O she did decide I had vertigo but she was convinced there was more to the story.
Went home, stayed in bed, eyes covered, laying flat, no movement, nothing but meds every 4 hours. Room still spinning, panic attacks had calmed down. If you've never had one...it's awful. The doctors and nurses told Michael that a panic attack feels alot like a heart attack. So if I ever have a heart attack I'll think it's a panic attack but I also will be able to handle it.
Monday late afternoon, I had had enough. So I told Michael, we had to go back to the ER. But I told him he could drive me. BIG MISTAKE. We get to the ER and it is full of people. LOUD PEOPLE. I think these people failed to pay attention to where they drove to. This is not BW's to watch Monday Night Football, nor is it the church fellowship hall for "fellowship" to take place. I could hear every conversation in the whole waiting area. Remember VERY sensitive to sound. The loudest was this pastor trying to talk to this family about death. If they aren't getting the message with your inside voice, talking louder is not going to help. I must admit....I got a little rude. It's the Green in me what can I say. I turned around to one lady who was talking so loud behind me and I said "I'm sorry could you talk a little louder I don't think the people outside are catching every word." She cleaned her teeth at me and round her eyes. But she moved!!!! What ever works right? The the rest of the time I mumbled stuff to Michael or into my blanket. I had to sit in this cardboard of a wheel chair with this black blanket (Florence it's the one you mad me for Cheer Xtreme, it is well used and soft) covering my eyes AND ears thanks to the inconsiderate people all around me, for a little more than an hour. It was WONDERFUL.
So please LETS try to set the example. If you walk into an ER waiting room, how bout treat it like a library. Be considerate. You don't know what some of those people are there for. Unless your sure all of them are deaf then have at it. But on the odd chance their not, how bout WHISPER and be some what attentive to the place you are in. Including pastors. Come on. If you feel yelling is all you can do to get people's attention...your probably talking too loud for them to hear the Lord's whisper that SHOULD be coming from your words in the first place. The object is not to hear YOU but to hear God's voice through you. You might get farther if you would just sit back and be quite.
So now you know yet another sin of mine. NO patience. And PLEASE do not pray for patience for me. I learned a long time ago to not pray for them so.
Anyway, I finally get in the back and they lay me on this PIECE OF WOOD. Seriously. In the trauma unit I had somewhat of a soft bed but not here. So when I tell you the $600 ride is worth it...this is what I'm talking about. We also had no glass sliding door to close as we did in the trauma unit. Glass doors dumb the sound. People coming in and out flipping on a light you have off um...FOR A REASON. I don't mean nurses I mean people to dump the trash and stuff. These nurses were not as patient. "Mam I need you to uncover your face to hear your answer". Well my husband over there just told you minute by minute everything that has happened since Saturday and your standing there with my chart which I'm sure has the info from the doctor on Saturday's events. I told you nothing has changed so what exactly are you not in the know about?" See the comedian...Jeff Foxworthy and "Here's YOUR sign jokes" Perfect at moments like this. I will give you my name, date of birthday and allergies EVERY time you walk in the door cause it's a security thing I get that. But asking me info you have in your hand AND just got from my husband...doesn't say "grant me patience".
Well Dr. Agard was my doctor Monday night. She was cut to chase, had a sense of humor I liked her. But she shoved an IV in me within 5 minutes of seeing me. Not good. I freak out when you say IV. Please bear in mind, I was in the hospital from 12 weeks of being pregnant, till I gave birth and had an IV in my hand, wrist or arm the WHOLE time. I can count 21 spaces that the scars are still there. They have to change those things every few days so. Bear with me on hating the things so much. Add to that you have rolling veins. Not good.
A side note...do you guys know what a blood pressure cuff does to your arm when your dehydrated. It leaves these marks on your arm like the blood vessels under arm are busted. I look like a blue, purple and green pushing pin with sticky stuff from the 23 EKG pads they stuck everywhere, marks on both arms from the blood pressure cuff and five large spots where needles on have gone in for IV or blood. O lets not forget the meds that went in my hip...I look like I was shot with a BB Gun on that side.
Well I was going to cope with the IV I wanted to get better. SO in the IV went. I was like a baby I said "I'm sorry your going to have to put the numbing cream on there before you stick me." I didn't even know they had that stuff till I had kids. HOW RUDE. Share with the rest of us. So she complied and did it. However rather than 15 minutes to let it work, the nurse let it sit for almost 40 minutes. Gee thanks for NOTHING. She got it in, it was fine. Then she totally sent me over the edge. She pulled out three meds. She said "this one is for pain, in it went through the iv. This one is Velum. I thought wow, they really want to knock me out here. Then this one is for the migraine and dizziness. All three bam bam bam. It took about 5 seconds and I started freakin out. I was hot, I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, I was panicking. She took my blood pressure, it was actually normal. I could not relax, I was officially in freak out mode. I told her take it all out, I wanted to go home, I would not come back. I would just sleep it off. I was kicking, crying. IT was not good. Poor Michael grabed my hand several times when I tried to pull the IV out. What the heck. I'll take that medicine that makes spiders crawl all over me before I take that.
Good heavens. I understand wanting to make the pain stop but how about ease into stuff your putting directly into someones blood stream. She said she wanted to knock me out and get ride of pain...she got rid of pain for a moment, I was no where near knocked out. I was wide awake and very aggravated and something weird...my sense of smell has been all messed up since. I mean immediately I started smelling my perfume. Burberry Brit. I wear that all the time since one of my favorite people introduced it to me last Thanksgiving. Thank you Ethel! I have not actually smelled it though in a while. You know how you get so use to smells that somehow you become numb to them. Well all of a sudden I smelt it. I tell you, I had none on. I hadn't showered since Saturday morning. Let me jump ahead for a second and say...that is ALL I have smelt since. When Michael cooks, it smells like brit just srayed....stronger. Any other time it's mild and ok. I can't complain there are alot worse things I could be smelling but isn't that funny?
I was done then. Checked out already. Dr. Agard came in and said if you can open your eyes, drink something for me and walk to the bathroom I will let you go. I thought, fine, it's a deal. I'm goin to do those things if it kills me. I down ginger al like it was a shot of alcohol. I have fallen in love with Ginger AL. I don't know what it is. I use to want coke or Gatorade (orange) when I'm sick. But now it's ginger al. I ALSO want an ice machine like the hospitals. Those little balls of ice LOVE THEM!!! I forced my eyes opened and made myself sit up. First time I had sat up since Saturday morning. I walked across the hall to the bathroom. Looked in the mirror and thought "man I look terrible." Hadn't looked in a mirror since Saturday morning either. Scary. Walked back and said ok, I'm ready to go home.
Now I have a question, velum...shouldn't I have been out on the wooden bed? I was WIDE awake. Never did make me sleepy. Impressive.
I will give Dr. Agard this...my headache did ease up. How could it not...I mean that much drugs it's a miracle any ilmenite would stick around. I got out of there so fast it was great.
Till we left the room and noticed again, cops everywhere. We are on lock down again. Lil ol Lynchburg. We have nothing to do around here, so we just shoot each other up all of a sudden. It's like I'm in Jacksonville again.
Here's another tip for the medical people....if someone is shot in the leg and is just bleeding like there's no tomorrow...can you please NOT put him in the hall way. I mean, I almost passed out seeing all that mess. Not to mention what happened to the Hipa Laws? I mean I was treated in the hall way last year and when I got the bill, I called the hospital and said I wasn't paying cause my Hipa Laws were violated as I NEVER got a room. They dismissed that bill so quick, no questions, no "investigation" done. What bill Mrs. Justice? I hope this man and his wife knows about that. I mean the nurses treating him right there in the hall way. Working in the medical office for years, I know enough to be dangerous.
So the police looks at us....are you leaving? We said "we'd like to." Get this....you can walk OUT in the parking lot, you just can't walk IN." So what your saying is...it's ok if you walk out and might get shot at or something but once your out, you can't come in. Could we have an escort to our van? NO. Well thank you for your protection officer...hope to not see you any time soon. Like I might have a gun wound in a few minutes or something.
Crazy People. Where has logic gone? Common Sense maybe? Or maybe I was so sick...I was the one that was out of either of these. I don't know when I'm done with the drugs I'll revisit things and see if I have a different opinion. Maybe my drugs are asking too much of people. Things that make you go um.
WOW it's been a long time since I've heard that.
My headache did start to come back a few hours later. But it's pain is under control. Get this they have a migraine med that you spray up your nose to relieve the headache. SOMEONE is brilliant out there. What a concept. My dizzy spills come and go. I am working up to sitting up for longer periods of time. I was told it may take a few days to get back to normal. I definitely can't drive right now.
So what am I doin about school. I have great professors. One class I just finished a test. Cal test...got an A. I know, Candy Green Justice got an A in math!!! Go figure. I have a test in one accounting class Thursday but I'm being given till next Wednesday to take it. Thank you Jesus. Fall break is this coming Monday and Tuesday so....we are doin good. I have been given a grace period through Fall break. Isn't God good. My professors too!!!
So I'm ok. We are not sure about my brain waves yet. (The depression) But the other part...the most recent...It's Vertigo like I said. I am taking the drugs and getting the rest. I've been told that's all I can do. O and drink ALOT more water.
Steve you said you could get me a case of Ensure for like $20. I told you Vanilla, can you get me a Strawberry too. Ensure, flavored water and apple sauce are all that's on my menu right now. Not cause I can't eat anything else, just cause I have no appetite and things aren't going down easily. It's being forced and ensure, I can gulp down easily.
Get this the nurse asked me Monday if I wanted some fruit jello. WHAT! That is the sickest thing out there. Who puts fruit in jello. I gotten to where I can't handle jello anyway. That doesn't slide down easily for me. Put fruit in and it's like someone ate some fruit and some jello, had it come back up, they decided to put it in the fridge over night and walla...THAT'S JUST SICK.
Ok, so when I can see straight enough to read, I will do another bible study review. I'm glad so many enjoyed it.
This is my life. God sure thinks I'm pretty strong to handle off this. I am enjoying the rest and that high feelin you get after you take drugs. Your layin there and your mind is just chillin then you slip off to sleep. That's great stuff. No wonder people do drugs. I couldn't do it outside of doctors orders. I mean in doctors orders I ended up goin crazy, can you imagine if I decided how much and what combination to take. Scary.
Till the drugs are all gone,
Candace Justice, 2-12-77, morphine
This is the color I've seen alot of lately...in scrubs that is.
I'm ok. Thanks for all your concern. No I haven't quit the Bible study already. No I did not get committed or anything. I just got really really sick. I have only been able to sit up for a max of about an hour today. So I know I promised more pictures and stuff this time round, but your going to have to give me a little bit more time here.
I don't know what happened. I just know that I got up Saturday morning, got dressed for the day as we had a birthday party in Roanoke and some arruns to run. No sooner than I put my clothes on something hit me. Not literally. I felt hot, sick to my stomach, panic attacks coming every half hour or so and extremely dizzy. I got rid of my ensure and applesauce real quick. I felt like I was on the tea cup ride at Disney and it was spinning VERY fast. I got back in my pjs. Good thing cause the next trip to the bathroom I apparently was due for some tile inspection. I hit the floor after passing out. Woke to my perfect little dog Scooter barking while standing over me. OUCH, that bark cut through the sudden pain I had in my head. Finally got Michael. Then apparently I passed out again when he went to call the ambulance. Cause I didn't remember agreeing to take a $600 dollar ride. I figured out later why these rides are so expensive and I'm here to tell you I will never go to the ER without paying for this ride first. More on that later. My $600 dollar ride was brand new and huge. I didn't see it but Michael said it was longer than a normal ambulance and brand new. Whatever. It still bounced me about like I was in a bumper car.
Because I must make this short, cause again I'm still on some VERY heavy drugs and though I feel like the tea cup ride is slowing down...it hasn't stopped yet. Anyway, after almost TEN HOURS in the trauma unit, we had 2 EKG's done, one CT scan of my brain, TEN tubes of blood taken and tested. I guess they take a guess of how many hours your going to be there and then your charge in the here and now that can't be paid by money, you pay in blood. By the way I had two great nurses. FINALLY Lynchburg General has some deceit nurses in the ER. PRAISE THE LORD. Marietta I think was her name and then Sue or Susan. My first was foreign. She was funny with her accent. So motherly. I never got a doctor...which was fine by me cause Dr. Wilgus was one the board and AIN'T NO WAY. He did Michael's inhumane proceeder earlier this summer. I got Lorietta Booney, a physicians assistant, poor thing after every option was exhausted...she said "you have me stumped". With no IV, ANOTHER PRAISE. I HATE IV'S. I have rolling veins so me and some student RN trying to chase a vein, ain't a good combination. I lose my religion. She gave me three pain meds, meclizine for the dizziness and something for the anxiety...thank goodness for the mound of fat on my back side she could stick it in. My pain was still unbearable, NO light, NO movement, room spinning, it NEVER stopped I tell you.
Let me throw in here...if your going to give a person a meds that already has panic and anxiet...don't give them something that makes them feel like a bunch of spiders are crawling all over them. It's like "she's not crazy enough lets see how far we can take her before we have to commit her."
Anyway Dr. Booney said she had me a room upstairs and was going to keep me for observation and more test. I begged her to let me go home. Mind you also, my blood pressure was SKY HIGH. 140 something over 90 something was the one I remember. I was about to agree to stay then I see a bunch of cops walk by my room. I freaked out. Hospital is on lock down. WHAT!!! Panic set in again. Forget this, I'm going home. She agreed to let me go with conditions I think that last thing she wanetd was me freakin out on her about the cops. She made me promise to come back if it worsened or didn't get better. O she did decide I had vertigo but she was convinced there was more to the story.
Went home, stayed in bed, eyes covered, laying flat, no movement, nothing but meds every 4 hours. Room still spinning, panic attacks had calmed down. If you've never had one...it's awful. The doctors and nurses told Michael that a panic attack feels alot like a heart attack. So if I ever have a heart attack I'll think it's a panic attack but I also will be able to handle it.
Monday late afternoon, I had had enough. So I told Michael, we had to go back to the ER. But I told him he could drive me. BIG MISTAKE. We get to the ER and it is full of people. LOUD PEOPLE. I think these people failed to pay attention to where they drove to. This is not BW's to watch Monday Night Football, nor is it the church fellowship hall for "fellowship" to take place. I could hear every conversation in the whole waiting area. Remember VERY sensitive to sound. The loudest was this pastor trying to talk to this family about death. If they aren't getting the message with your inside voice, talking louder is not going to help. I must admit....I got a little rude. It's the Green in me what can I say. I turned around to one lady who was talking so loud behind me and I said "I'm sorry could you talk a little louder I don't think the people outside are catching every word." She cleaned her teeth at me and round her eyes. But she moved!!!! What ever works right? The the rest of the time I mumbled stuff to Michael or into my blanket. I had to sit in this cardboard of a wheel chair with this black blanket (Florence it's the one you mad me for Cheer Xtreme, it is well used and soft) covering my eyes AND ears thanks to the inconsiderate people all around me, for a little more than an hour. It was WONDERFUL.
So please LETS try to set the example. If you walk into an ER waiting room, how bout treat it like a library. Be considerate. You don't know what some of those people are there for. Unless your sure all of them are deaf then have at it. But on the odd chance their not, how bout WHISPER and be some what attentive to the place you are in. Including pastors. Come on. If you feel yelling is all you can do to get people's attention...your probably talking too loud for them to hear the Lord's whisper that SHOULD be coming from your words in the first place. The object is not to hear YOU but to hear God's voice through you. You might get farther if you would just sit back and be quite.
So now you know yet another sin of mine. NO patience. And PLEASE do not pray for patience for me. I learned a long time ago to not pray for them so.
Anyway, I finally get in the back and they lay me on this PIECE OF WOOD. Seriously. In the trauma unit I had somewhat of a soft bed but not here. So when I tell you the $600 ride is worth it...this is what I'm talking about. We also had no glass sliding door to close as we did in the trauma unit. Glass doors dumb the sound. People coming in and out flipping on a light you have off um...FOR A REASON. I don't mean nurses I mean people to dump the trash and stuff. These nurses were not as patient. "Mam I need you to uncover your face to hear your answer". Well my husband over there just told you minute by minute everything that has happened since Saturday and your standing there with my chart which I'm sure has the info from the doctor on Saturday's events. I told you nothing has changed so what exactly are you not in the know about?" See the comedian...Jeff Foxworthy and "Here's YOUR sign jokes" Perfect at moments like this. I will give you my name, date of birthday and allergies EVERY time you walk in the door cause it's a security thing I get that. But asking me info you have in your hand AND just got from my husband...doesn't say "grant me patience".
Well Dr. Agard was my doctor Monday night. She was cut to chase, had a sense of humor I liked her. But she shoved an IV in me within 5 minutes of seeing me. Not good. I freak out when you say IV. Please bear in mind, I was in the hospital from 12 weeks of being pregnant, till I gave birth and had an IV in my hand, wrist or arm the WHOLE time. I can count 21 spaces that the scars are still there. They have to change those things every few days so. Bear with me on hating the things so much. Add to that you have rolling veins. Not good.
A side note...do you guys know what a blood pressure cuff does to your arm when your dehydrated. It leaves these marks on your arm like the blood vessels under arm are busted. I look like a blue, purple and green pushing pin with sticky stuff from the 23 EKG pads they stuck everywhere, marks on both arms from the blood pressure cuff and five large spots where needles on have gone in for IV or blood. O lets not forget the meds that went in my hip...I look like I was shot with a BB Gun on that side.
Well I was going to cope with the IV I wanted to get better. SO in the IV went. I was like a baby I said "I'm sorry your going to have to put the numbing cream on there before you stick me." I didn't even know they had that stuff till I had kids. HOW RUDE. Share with the rest of us. So she complied and did it. However rather than 15 minutes to let it work, the nurse let it sit for almost 40 minutes. Gee thanks for NOTHING. She got it in, it was fine. Then she totally sent me over the edge. She pulled out three meds. She said "this one is for pain, in it went through the iv. This one is Velum. I thought wow, they really want to knock me out here. Then this one is for the migraine and dizziness. All three bam bam bam. It took about 5 seconds and I started freakin out. I was hot, I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, I was panicking. She took my blood pressure, it was actually normal. I could not relax, I was officially in freak out mode. I told her take it all out, I wanted to go home, I would not come back. I would just sleep it off. I was kicking, crying. IT was not good. Poor Michael grabed my hand several times when I tried to pull the IV out. What the heck. I'll take that medicine that makes spiders crawl all over me before I take that.
Good heavens. I understand wanting to make the pain stop but how about ease into stuff your putting directly into someones blood stream. She said she wanted to knock me out and get ride of pain...she got rid of pain for a moment, I was no where near knocked out. I was wide awake and very aggravated and something weird...my sense of smell has been all messed up since. I mean immediately I started smelling my perfume. Burberry Brit. I wear that all the time since one of my favorite people introduced it to me last Thanksgiving. Thank you Ethel! I have not actually smelled it though in a while. You know how you get so use to smells that somehow you become numb to them. Well all of a sudden I smelt it. I tell you, I had none on. I hadn't showered since Saturday morning. Let me jump ahead for a second and say...that is ALL I have smelt since. When Michael cooks, it smells like brit just srayed....stronger. Any other time it's mild and ok. I can't complain there are alot worse things I could be smelling but isn't that funny?
I was done then. Checked out already. Dr. Agard came in and said if you can open your eyes, drink something for me and walk to the bathroom I will let you go. I thought, fine, it's a deal. I'm goin to do those things if it kills me. I down ginger al like it was a shot of alcohol. I have fallen in love with Ginger AL. I don't know what it is. I use to want coke or Gatorade (orange) when I'm sick. But now it's ginger al. I ALSO want an ice machine like the hospitals. Those little balls of ice LOVE THEM!!! I forced my eyes opened and made myself sit up. First time I had sat up since Saturday morning. I walked across the hall to the bathroom. Looked in the mirror and thought "man I look terrible." Hadn't looked in a mirror since Saturday morning either. Scary. Walked back and said ok, I'm ready to go home.
Now I have a question, velum...shouldn't I have been out on the wooden bed? I was WIDE awake. Never did make me sleepy. Impressive.
I will give Dr. Agard this...my headache did ease up. How could it not...I mean that much drugs it's a miracle any ilmenite would stick around. I got out of there so fast it was great.
Till we left the room and noticed again, cops everywhere. We are on lock down again. Lil ol Lynchburg. We have nothing to do around here, so we just shoot each other up all of a sudden. It's like I'm in Jacksonville again.
Here's another tip for the medical people....if someone is shot in the leg and is just bleeding like there's no tomorrow...can you please NOT put him in the hall way. I mean, I almost passed out seeing all that mess. Not to mention what happened to the Hipa Laws? I mean I was treated in the hall way last year and when I got the bill, I called the hospital and said I wasn't paying cause my Hipa Laws were violated as I NEVER got a room. They dismissed that bill so quick, no questions, no "investigation" done. What bill Mrs. Justice? I hope this man and his wife knows about that. I mean the nurses treating him right there in the hall way. Working in the medical office for years, I know enough to be dangerous.
So the police looks at us....are you leaving? We said "we'd like to." Get this....you can walk OUT in the parking lot, you just can't walk IN." So what your saying is...it's ok if you walk out and might get shot at or something but once your out, you can't come in. Could we have an escort to our van? NO. Well thank you for your protection officer...hope to not see you any time soon. Like I might have a gun wound in a few minutes or something.
Crazy People. Where has logic gone? Common Sense maybe? Or maybe I was so sick...I was the one that was out of either of these. I don't know when I'm done with the drugs I'll revisit things and see if I have a different opinion. Maybe my drugs are asking too much of people. Things that make you go um.
WOW it's been a long time since I've heard that.
My headache did start to come back a few hours later. But it's pain is under control. Get this they have a migraine med that you spray up your nose to relieve the headache. SOMEONE is brilliant out there. What a concept. My dizzy spills come and go. I am working up to sitting up for longer periods of time. I was told it may take a few days to get back to normal. I definitely can't drive right now.
So what am I doin about school. I have great professors. One class I just finished a test. Cal test...got an A. I know, Candy Green Justice got an A in math!!! Go figure. I have a test in one accounting class Thursday but I'm being given till next Wednesday to take it. Thank you Jesus. Fall break is this coming Monday and Tuesday so....we are doin good. I have been given a grace period through Fall break. Isn't God good. My professors too!!!
So I'm ok. We are not sure about my brain waves yet. (The depression) But the other part...the most recent...It's Vertigo like I said. I am taking the drugs and getting the rest. I've been told that's all I can do. O and drink ALOT more water.
Steve you said you could get me a case of Ensure for like $20. I told you Vanilla, can you get me a Strawberry too. Ensure, flavored water and apple sauce are all that's on my menu right now. Not cause I can't eat anything else, just cause I have no appetite and things aren't going down easily. It's being forced and ensure, I can gulp down easily.
Get this the nurse asked me Monday if I wanted some fruit jello. WHAT! That is the sickest thing out there. Who puts fruit in jello. I gotten to where I can't handle jello anyway. That doesn't slide down easily for me. Put fruit in and it's like someone ate some fruit and some jello, had it come back up, they decided to put it in the fridge over night and walla...THAT'S JUST SICK.
Ok, so when I can see straight enough to read, I will do another bible study review. I'm glad so many enjoyed it.
This is my life. God sure thinks I'm pretty strong to handle off this. I am enjoying the rest and that high feelin you get after you take drugs. Your layin there and your mind is just chillin then you slip off to sleep. That's great stuff. No wonder people do drugs. I couldn't do it outside of doctors orders. I mean in doctors orders I ended up goin crazy, can you imagine if I decided how much and what combination to take. Scary.
Till the drugs are all gone,
Candace Justice, 2-12-77, morphine
I've said that so much seems to all be apart of my name now. Name, DOB and allergies
Friday, October 3, 2008
Please join me in the journey
After my last post I thought I'd move forward with things. I recently started a Beth Moore bible study, "Breaking Free." Looks to be a tough one. Know that when I say..."I could not do any more Bible studies than I am currently doin"...that does not mean I do not value the word of God and really digging deep to impress God's word not only in your mind but in your heart. I started this study a few weeks ago. If you have done a Beth Moore study you know that most studies are about a certain character in God's word. Well this study is a bit different. Rather than looking at someone else's journey, we are looking at our own.
Ya know when you find yourself walking in the dark of life, the last thing you want to do is take alot of time to look at the journey. You just want to speed walk or run when you find the energy to, so that you can get out of the dark tunnel and into the light again. But I am trusting that through my searching and studying that eventually the area around me will at some point gain some light.
I decided the end of the first week that I was going to ask you all, my friends and family, to join me on this journey. I am a week and a half behind but we will pluck away. This may actually be good though. As the weekly videos move forward...I am taking my time with homework. During the week I also replay the audio version of the weeks lesson. You know, listen to something enough, your bound to learn something. But anyhow. I think maybe too, going through my homework of God's word and this study and then sitting down to voice it in written form for you all...yet another way to really make sure I'm getting things down. I do not claim to be the smart teacher here. I know there are many out there that could get far more out this and explain it better than I ever could. But maybe somehow, as I try to be open and searching for support and accountability that God may bless us all in some way.
So lets see what we got here.
Again this study is about the forms of bondage that non Christians, and certainly Christians alike, find ourselves tied up with. Many pious people think that, o, your Christian so your perfect. Then when we mess up, their responds is to say "what a poor representation of the church, did you hear what she did? And she claims to be a "Christian". Yes we are Christians, we are NOT God. We are NOT perfect either. For us to be a Christian and not make mistakes we, well would have to be DEAD.
There are many chains that bound me. I am not going to get into all the specifics, I mean accountability is what I need. Not a judge, not someone claiming to be God and well...enough of my dirty laundry has been hung to dry by others trying to play God in this life. Not a good idea. Not only would laying all that out be a hindrance I believe to some that have a distorted view of Christians, but well it too just isn't any of your business. Do you lay your dirty laundry out? No we cover it all up with mask we wear. Mask could included hiding behind our jobs, our children, our fashion style, our talents. I have been then there. Maybe I still am there.
My bondage has prove to be many different things. I was the worst kind of captive, a prisoner unaware. Hiding behind being a coach at one time gave me a great hiding place for several years. Sometimes, I got too comfortable and stepped out and well, got burned. It has taken o what is it now...4 years or so. I've lost count. But I FINALLY am seeing that all that I was caught in at that time...man I tell you I was so tied up in many things that I just finally couldn't walk and fell over. But that was one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. I have tried hiding behind my kids. What is your bondage? I'm not asking for you to tell me. Please don't. I'm asking you to search your own heart and life and figure it out. Are you tired of being bound? I am.
We have a promise in God's word that once we are a child of His that nothing can hold us captive without our permission. God did not come to set us free for us to live our life in self-inflicted bondage. We must learn to live in Christ's glory, in His liberty. We must also stay alert that we may not end up in bondage again. God sent His Son to set the captives free so that we may ring the bell of liberty.
I don't know about you but in addition to my different chains I am held bondage by, I also defeat myself daily with that self-inflicted war. I am pretty good at extending grace...not always to the dog that is tearing up my house...but to people, I am pretty good at forgiving. Maybe cause I know that I get grace from God every second of the day and do not ever want to mess that up. I also make enough mistakes of my own. If I don't forgive how can expect others and God to forgive me. I'm not brave enough to play God in other peoples lives. I'm also not dumb enough to allow bitterness to ruin my life. Lord, it takes more energy and hurts you more than anyone else for you to hold a grudge toward someone else who did something wrong to you. I'm so sorry I have enough issues on my own, I don't need to carry anyone elses. Some things are harder to forgive. Like earlier when I wrote about pious people playing God in my life and get this not just judging but deciding for me and a bunch of other people what my punishment would be for...my sin. Again hard to forgive but I finally got there. Took alot of medicine, therapy and just time. Hind sight is always 20/20. I thank God for that whole situation now. It's harder to THANK the people, I'm not there yet. But to release my judgement...that was actually the easy part. How could I not forgive them? What I did is no worse or no better? If I couldn't forgive, I couldn't start healing. Healing was more important than pay back.
I like how Beth Moore words it
"How would I have known that I was lost
Had You not searched and found me?
How would I have known that I was blind
Had You not made me see?
How would I have known my bleeding
'Til You bound Your love around me?
How would I have groaned my slavery
Until You set me free?"
It's hard when God has to take us so far down that the only place to look is up. He has to do that to me over and over and over again. I'm so hard headed. But I'm glad God loves me and all of us enough to go looking for us.
I'll close with this piece of info that came from Chonda Pierce's book. She was talking about how in Genesis God went looking for His first kids. (Most of this will be Chonda's words) He gave a command, not to eat of the bread of knowledge. He did that not to hold them back, but to protect them. He was really saying "Look there's somethings you just don't need to know. There's something you'll never know. I am God and you are not." But like me, I don't know about you...you tell me NOT to do something, and I'm going to do it. Well you know the story Adam AND Eve ate of the fruit. Cause Adam was WITH her. They felt shame and like us tried to cover it up. They had leaves everywhere. Like we do on Sunday morning and for some of us, what we do every day. Then God came looking for them. He wanted them to check in. He needed some authentic time with His kids. Where are you? What's really going on in your lives? Lets not skirt over the issues any more? I know your burying yourself in coaching and trying to get humans to be everything for you and fill you. Yet your still empty. Those things and people can not satisfy, I wanted to do that and only I can. So where are you? When He found out what they had done, He loved them so that He made them clothes and tools. He hated that they found out...what sin looked like. He had to send them out of the garden and told them it was going to be tough. But He just couldn't send them out with out the tools they would need to help them.
You see God went looking for them. Just like He searches for us. I'm glad He doesn't just wait for us to come to Him. He sometimes comes and find us. Catches us in the act. Not to destroy us, but to help us. Grace always extended. Thank you Father.
I like knowing God does not have a piece of chalk in one hand and an eraser in the other. For us who are His children and have been saved. He doesn't stand there and write our name on the board when we accept Him. Then when He looks down and we told a lie, said a bad word, or __________ fill in the blank for yourself...He doesn't erase our names. I'm thankful that there is NOTHING we can do to out do God's Grace.
Breaking the chains of bondage has been a process for me for years. It ain't over either. Obviously. But I like knowing that God gives us tools and watches out for us, even when we're so far in the dark we can't even see our hand right in front of our face.
God help me to break free and to know the truth. Cause Your word says that the truth will set us free. I promised You God that I would not hide Your deliverance but that I would share it and give You all the glory. That maybe others will also be set free. Bless the words You laid upon me heart and may You help us all to seek You first, You always and You only.
Sittin in the dark does anyone have a light
Candy
Ya know when you find yourself walking in the dark of life, the last thing you want to do is take alot of time to look at the journey. You just want to speed walk or run when you find the energy to, so that you can get out of the dark tunnel and into the light again. But I am trusting that through my searching and studying that eventually the area around me will at some point gain some light.
I decided the end of the first week that I was going to ask you all, my friends and family, to join me on this journey. I am a week and a half behind but we will pluck away. This may actually be good though. As the weekly videos move forward...I am taking my time with homework. During the week I also replay the audio version of the weeks lesson. You know, listen to something enough, your bound to learn something. But anyhow. I think maybe too, going through my homework of God's word and this study and then sitting down to voice it in written form for you all...yet another way to really make sure I'm getting things down. I do not claim to be the smart teacher here. I know there are many out there that could get far more out this and explain it better than I ever could. But maybe somehow, as I try to be open and searching for support and accountability that God may bless us all in some way.
So lets see what we got here.
Again this study is about the forms of bondage that non Christians, and certainly Christians alike, find ourselves tied up with. Many pious people think that, o, your Christian so your perfect. Then when we mess up, their responds is to say "what a poor representation of the church, did you hear what she did? And she claims to be a "Christian". Yes we are Christians, we are NOT God. We are NOT perfect either. For us to be a Christian and not make mistakes we, well would have to be DEAD.
There are many chains that bound me. I am not going to get into all the specifics, I mean accountability is what I need. Not a judge, not someone claiming to be God and well...enough of my dirty laundry has been hung to dry by others trying to play God in this life. Not a good idea. Not only would laying all that out be a hindrance I believe to some that have a distorted view of Christians, but well it too just isn't any of your business. Do you lay your dirty laundry out? No we cover it all up with mask we wear. Mask could included hiding behind our jobs, our children, our fashion style, our talents. I have been then there. Maybe I still am there.
My bondage has prove to be many different things. I was the worst kind of captive, a prisoner unaware. Hiding behind being a coach at one time gave me a great hiding place for several years. Sometimes, I got too comfortable and stepped out and well, got burned. It has taken o what is it now...4 years or so. I've lost count. But I FINALLY am seeing that all that I was caught in at that time...man I tell you I was so tied up in many things that I just finally couldn't walk and fell over. But that was one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. I have tried hiding behind my kids. What is your bondage? I'm not asking for you to tell me. Please don't. I'm asking you to search your own heart and life and figure it out. Are you tired of being bound? I am.
We have a promise in God's word that once we are a child of His that nothing can hold us captive without our permission. God did not come to set us free for us to live our life in self-inflicted bondage. We must learn to live in Christ's glory, in His liberty. We must also stay alert that we may not end up in bondage again. God sent His Son to set the captives free so that we may ring the bell of liberty.
I don't know about you but in addition to my different chains I am held bondage by, I also defeat myself daily with that self-inflicted war. I am pretty good at extending grace...not always to the dog that is tearing up my house...but to people, I am pretty good at forgiving. Maybe cause I know that I get grace from God every second of the day and do not ever want to mess that up. I also make enough mistakes of my own. If I don't forgive how can expect others and God to forgive me. I'm not brave enough to play God in other peoples lives. I'm also not dumb enough to allow bitterness to ruin my life. Lord, it takes more energy and hurts you more than anyone else for you to hold a grudge toward someone else who did something wrong to you. I'm so sorry I have enough issues on my own, I don't need to carry anyone elses. Some things are harder to forgive. Like earlier when I wrote about pious people playing God in my life and get this not just judging but deciding for me and a bunch of other people what my punishment would be for...my sin. Again hard to forgive but I finally got there. Took alot of medicine, therapy and just time. Hind sight is always 20/20. I thank God for that whole situation now. It's harder to THANK the people, I'm not there yet. But to release my judgement...that was actually the easy part. How could I not forgive them? What I did is no worse or no better? If I couldn't forgive, I couldn't start healing. Healing was more important than pay back.
I like how Beth Moore words it
"How would I have known that I was lost
Had You not searched and found me?
How would I have known that I was blind
Had You not made me see?
How would I have known my bleeding
'Til You bound Your love around me?
How would I have groaned my slavery
Until You set me free?"
It's hard when God has to take us so far down that the only place to look is up. He has to do that to me over and over and over again. I'm so hard headed. But I'm glad God loves me and all of us enough to go looking for us.
I'll close with this piece of info that came from Chonda Pierce's book. She was talking about how in Genesis God went looking for His first kids. (Most of this will be Chonda's words) He gave a command, not to eat of the bread of knowledge. He did that not to hold them back, but to protect them. He was really saying "Look there's somethings you just don't need to know. There's something you'll never know. I am God and you are not." But like me, I don't know about you...you tell me NOT to do something, and I'm going to do it. Well you know the story Adam AND Eve ate of the fruit. Cause Adam was WITH her. They felt shame and like us tried to cover it up. They had leaves everywhere. Like we do on Sunday morning and for some of us, what we do every day. Then God came looking for them. He wanted them to check in. He needed some authentic time with His kids. Where are you? What's really going on in your lives? Lets not skirt over the issues any more? I know your burying yourself in coaching and trying to get humans to be everything for you and fill you. Yet your still empty. Those things and people can not satisfy, I wanted to do that and only I can. So where are you? When He found out what they had done, He loved them so that He made them clothes and tools. He hated that they found out...what sin looked like. He had to send them out of the garden and told them it was going to be tough. But He just couldn't send them out with out the tools they would need to help them.
You see God went looking for them. Just like He searches for us. I'm glad He doesn't just wait for us to come to Him. He sometimes comes and find us. Catches us in the act. Not to destroy us, but to help us. Grace always extended. Thank you Father.
I like knowing God does not have a piece of chalk in one hand and an eraser in the other. For us who are His children and have been saved. He doesn't stand there and write our name on the board when we accept Him. Then when He looks down and we told a lie, said a bad word, or __________ fill in the blank for yourself...He doesn't erase our names. I'm thankful that there is NOTHING we can do to out do God's Grace.
Breaking the chains of bondage has been a process for me for years. It ain't over either. Obviously. But I like knowing that God gives us tools and watches out for us, even when we're so far in the dark we can't even see our hand right in front of our face.
God help me to break free and to know the truth. Cause Your word says that the truth will set us free. I promised You God that I would not hide Your deliverance but that I would share it and give You all the glory. That maybe others will also be set free. Bless the words You laid upon me heart and may You help us all to seek You first, You always and You only.
Sittin in the dark does anyone have a light
Candy
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Where o where could Candy J be? O where O where could she be?
Ya'll do make me feel loved. When I don't write, some of you do NOT let me forget that I haven't written in a while. Sorry...just trying to breathe actually right now. That's about all I can handle. But I will take a few moments to say hey and try to be...up beat and no I'll just be....
Hows Michael's grandfather? Good question. Um they were going to just try and make him comfortable and let him go home which is where he wants to be and wants to "go" when God decides to make that happen. Well he is STILL in the hospital. They can not get his O2 level where they want it. I think too, he has good days with the pain meds and then the next day they have to up it so they are unsure what to send him home with to keep him comfortable. I can only imagine how drained Jack (Michael's dad and his sisters are.) They have their parents in the number one spot. I say that, not cause it's not right but because well, not everyone has that. But anyway, no matter what good or bad, sick or health...Michael's grandparents are worked around. THAT much I did gather very quickly. Like I said, my family is SO different. VERY laid back. My granny was a hoot, up till the end. But even then, somethings that were sad were, still kinda funny. Like when we went to clean out her room after she was called home by her Heavenly Father...granny had chocolate hidden EVERYWHERE. No lie. It was kinda funny. She'd have some stuffed in socks, between the sheets, in books....it gave me a smile among the difficult. Anyway that doesn't really make my point. Actually. Um, my grandparents even from their generation were very laid back, knew how to cut lose, laugh and have a good time. Nothing was "too worldly". Ya know what I mean. My granny sat at a many cheerleading competitions where I...well was cutting lose with some foot and booty fellowship....and loved every minute of watching me. Michael's grandparents and some others, would probably never be caught dead in at a cheerleading competition. After all, loud music and dancin...well that's just of Satan you know. LOL......It's actually called a sport, exercise, talent and a GREAT way for a free ride to college. So knock it all you want but I enjoyed every minute and it paid well in the end. Anyway.
See why I can't blog often my "check ins" and updates end up being BOOKS. But that's just me.
Next question flooding my email.
Where are the pictures of the girls Surprise Party? Well we FINALLY got them on the computer BUT having difficulty putting them in a format that I can incorporate them into the blog. I can't even seem to go through them all to find the one I want to send to the girls that were at the stinkin party. So you and me both are holding our breath on that one. JENN, I NEED YOU TO COME HELP ME!!!!!
Hows the dog? Dumb as ever. I actually think he loses brain cells while he sleeps at night. NO LIE. This dog has been with us...well too long. No, seriously, well that is serious he's wearing his welcome out. Or well, already has. But he is his FATHER'S son so I must dish grace out as if I'm God. Anyway, you would think he knows, where the walls are first off right? NO, he runs right into them as if they moved or something. He should also know how to jump onto the furniture...even though he's only allowed when he is given the invitation...well he goes to jump and it's like he jumps IN PLACE. Rather than going forward so he actually lands ON the couch, he jumps in place and then looks at you like...why didn't you move the couch forward to me so I would have landed on it? Crazy People. What dog can't jump on furniture? He just recently discovered he has a tail. And he does not know why it is there or why it moves when it does. He acts like some ghost is following him sometimes. Or there's a spider on his back and he goes crazy to try and get it off. When it wags and he's laying down, he looks at it like " what in the world....Get it off, get it off....." He still sleeps though sliding off what ever he may be on and when he is awaken by his head hitting the floor he looks at you like YOU did something. He stuck his head in the door of the fridge the other day and I said "move I'm closing the door" and he just stood there, like he was taken inventory or something. I literally closed the fridge door and he still stood there, door resting on his neck. I had to pull the stupid dog out of the fridge. Other wise I was gonna have to replace the milk as he would stand there all night. He steals stuff from the girls room all the time. Well he (along with every dog I know) has this thing for dirty underwear. What is this? Anyway, I finally decided to put a pair of the girls underwear on him since he wanted to play with them so much. He looked at me as if to say "seriously, that's where these go" and just goes and sits down as if to say "darn it all, now look what I got myself into." Here's a thought, why not try to get them off like any other dog in the world. HELLO. Our dinning room table is a counter top height and has a low sitting center. It sits maybe 8-10 inches off the floor. He still, even though he's taller than the girls when he stands on his back legs, will run to hide under there when he's in trouble. One of these days he is going to get stuck, or pull the table down the hall way with him. He is terrified of Mexicans. NO IDEA. We have Mexicans that do our yard work and he does not like them. He stares out the window and shakes. He is funny with Scooter. He is 10 times bigger than Scooter and still growing...but Scooter wins EVERY battle. It's hilarious. If Scooter takes a toy from Rockford, Rock will follow Scooter then sit right in front of him, nose touching the toy Scooter just stole and has in his own mouth and will just sit there and whine and cry. Dumb Dog. Your bigger than he is, take it out of his mouth, knock him over...something. Yes Scooter is MUCH more well endowed than you are but try to be somewhat of a man. He loves to play with bugs. But he does not understand why they don't stay when he tells them too. Then it's like he gets upset when they die on him. He had a fly the other night. He actually got his paw down on him. He stood there for a minute then slowly lifted his foot. The fly flew off. Took Rockford a good 20 minutes to get him again. He caught it in his mouth and then gently laid it on the floor and put his paw over it again. He repeated this several times. Then the fly died. He looked at it for the longest time and then looked at us like, what did you do? The batteries are dead. DO something please. We flushed it down the toilet and this is hilarious...we put it in the toilet and Rockford was like a kid that just lost a gold fish...he put his paws on the toilet seat and we flushed it and he rolled his head around following the bug and water till it went all the way down. Then he just stood there. I again had to physically remove him from the bathroom. He has been losing his baby teeth. Like no dog I have ever known. Amy, our loving vet, said that was the pit side of him. He lost 7 in one day. I was like what the heck. He can't possibly have many teeth to chew with at this point. He may need dentures to help chew his food. There are only three things I have found that he IS good at. He's a GREAT car rider. Loves to ride. He goes to school every Friday night. AT school in front of the teacher, he does EVERYTHING perfectly. The teacher is only telling us what to do and we command him to do it and give the treat. So the only difference outside of class would be that the teacher is not there. So Hello...what would be the problem. He has 4 weeks left and I'm sure he will graduate. They actually have a graduation like hat and tassel and all! Seriously. Anyway. The last thing he does well is forward rolls. He does better rolls than the girls. I didn't even have to teach him. Anyone that has had me teach them a forward roll knows that I say to look at your belly button and roll...Rockford looks at his belly button so well and he doesn't even have one! But no brains....good heavens to Betsy.
Rockford has supplied me with alot of laughs. Laughs that I so desperately need lately. If you don't want honesty and seriousness stop reading now. Many know I have been going through alot of test lately. Not just in school. But health wise. I have been on 4 different meds, all at the same time, for anxiety, panic attacks and depression for years now. I thought all was well. I take my meds, yes I take drugs. Things were going well. Till a few months ago, I just started feeling like I did before I got the meds. Not eating some days...like a week or so, then eat everything in sight, then not eat for a while. Sick to my stomach. Nervous about everything. Cry at the drop of a hat. Well we have been doing some test. They've ruled out the ulcer (which I get alot of). They ruled out chemical imbalance. We are going to be doing more test. But in a nut shell....things are just hard right now. Getting up in the morning seems like the hardest thing anyone could ask of me many days. If you've seen me around town, you know that the normal Candy all with makeup, cute outfit and smile is not what your getting. Rather it's like I just rolled out of bed. Which I probably did, just to make it to class and get the girls to school. I don't want to go into too much but I am going to say...if you don't get a smile....please don't give me a sermon. Don't think I'm mad at anyone especially you. I'm not. I'm just making it. Things will get better. My doctors just have to figure somethings out. I just have to do what I'm told and be patient. I like how Chonda puts things...though she dealt with much more of a bigger issue than me...but I can't do any more Bible studies than I'm doing, I am good with sins being confessed, I have prayed. I have done all that. I thought until I read her book that I was the one with the issue. Sometimes it seems SO much easier to just NOT go to church and try to dress yourself up with a smile and a nice outfit than it is to just stay home and be yourself...worn out, tears falling when they want, in your pj self. I've ventured to church though a few times in the past 3 weeks. Go me!
I tell you guys this cause I know that many are really wondering what is wrong with me. I was asked the other day if we changed churches? Which I've been asked alot. Two times I've been asked if Michael and I were having problems? No no no, nothing like that. Michael and I are great! I couldn't ask for a better partner and support than my husband. And I love our church. It's home. But everyone knows that sometimes when you appear not put together...the questions alone (forget the endless advice you may get, even when not asked) is really too difficult to handle. But I love our church. We ain't goin anywhere.
I gotta tell you something funny though. I joke that we have been goin to Bedside Baptist for a few months. Which means we have been watching TRBC. First, Lord bless Jonthan Falwell. He is SO anointed. God is using him in ways that blows me away. And I'm not even a member of TRBC. Which means I'm seeing it from afar. I always get excited to see what else he has up his sleve to help him present the gospel in such a way that anyone would feel comfortable to sit and listen. Even if their not "church" folk. This Sunday I laughed so stinkin hard. It was hard to sing the worship songs as behind Chucky B was the HUGE I mean HUGE pair of men's legs. In blue jeans and a belt, with cowboy boots on it looked like. But I tell you the attention to detail was unbelievable. I knew I was "sick". Maybe a little less "detail" in a certain area would have been a little better. I'm probably the only sick person that would notice. (But watch now all of you will be looking...Lord forgive me.) I know I have issues. But it was great! I loved it. Keep on keepin on Jonathan. He said they were going to finish him which I guess means that the rest of this "MAN'S" body will appear. Hopefully not well cut and without a shirt.
Well anyway, there was alot in here and I'm sorry there is no way to ease into what all is goin on. Just pray that's really the best thing ya'll can do. I am not use to my kids asking "mom, when are my favorite pear of jeans going to be clean." That's like a knife to the heart. If you know me I normally wash the clothes we wore that day and have them put away before I go to bed and well....lets just say I had to buy alot of laundry baskets.
God is faithful and I know that. I just have to trust Him and well...ride the rough waters in the dark of the storm till the coast guard arrives.
Just breathing
Candy
Hows Michael's grandfather? Good question. Um they were going to just try and make him comfortable and let him go home which is where he wants to be and wants to "go" when God decides to make that happen. Well he is STILL in the hospital. They can not get his O2 level where they want it. I think too, he has good days with the pain meds and then the next day they have to up it so they are unsure what to send him home with to keep him comfortable. I can only imagine how drained Jack (Michael's dad and his sisters are.) They have their parents in the number one spot. I say that, not cause it's not right but because well, not everyone has that. But anyway, no matter what good or bad, sick or health...Michael's grandparents are worked around. THAT much I did gather very quickly. Like I said, my family is SO different. VERY laid back. My granny was a hoot, up till the end. But even then, somethings that were sad were, still kinda funny. Like when we went to clean out her room after she was called home by her Heavenly Father...granny had chocolate hidden EVERYWHERE. No lie. It was kinda funny. She'd have some stuffed in socks, between the sheets, in books....it gave me a smile among the difficult. Anyway that doesn't really make my point. Actually. Um, my grandparents even from their generation were very laid back, knew how to cut lose, laugh and have a good time. Nothing was "too worldly". Ya know what I mean. My granny sat at a many cheerleading competitions where I...well was cutting lose with some foot and booty fellowship....and loved every minute of watching me. Michael's grandparents and some others, would probably never be caught dead in at a cheerleading competition. After all, loud music and dancin...well that's just of Satan you know. LOL......It's actually called a sport, exercise, talent and a GREAT way for a free ride to college. So knock it all you want but I enjoyed every minute and it paid well in the end. Anyway.
See why I can't blog often my "check ins" and updates end up being BOOKS. But that's just me.
Next question flooding my email.
Where are the pictures of the girls Surprise Party? Well we FINALLY got them on the computer BUT having difficulty putting them in a format that I can incorporate them into the blog. I can't even seem to go through them all to find the one I want to send to the girls that were at the stinkin party. So you and me both are holding our breath on that one. JENN, I NEED YOU TO COME HELP ME!!!!!
Hows the dog? Dumb as ever. I actually think he loses brain cells while he sleeps at night. NO LIE. This dog has been with us...well too long. No, seriously, well that is serious he's wearing his welcome out. Or well, already has. But he is his FATHER'S son so I must dish grace out as if I'm God. Anyway, you would think he knows, where the walls are first off right? NO, he runs right into them as if they moved or something. He should also know how to jump onto the furniture...even though he's only allowed when he is given the invitation...well he goes to jump and it's like he jumps IN PLACE. Rather than going forward so he actually lands ON the couch, he jumps in place and then looks at you like...why didn't you move the couch forward to me so I would have landed on it? Crazy People. What dog can't jump on furniture? He just recently discovered he has a tail. And he does not know why it is there or why it moves when it does. He acts like some ghost is following him sometimes. Or there's a spider on his back and he goes crazy to try and get it off. When it wags and he's laying down, he looks at it like " what in the world....Get it off, get it off....." He still sleeps though sliding off what ever he may be on and when he is awaken by his head hitting the floor he looks at you like YOU did something. He stuck his head in the door of the fridge the other day and I said "move I'm closing the door" and he just stood there, like he was taken inventory or something. I literally closed the fridge door and he still stood there, door resting on his neck. I had to pull the stupid dog out of the fridge. Other wise I was gonna have to replace the milk as he would stand there all night. He steals stuff from the girls room all the time. Well he (along with every dog I know) has this thing for dirty underwear. What is this? Anyway, I finally decided to put a pair of the girls underwear on him since he wanted to play with them so much. He looked at me as if to say "seriously, that's where these go" and just goes and sits down as if to say "darn it all, now look what I got myself into." Here's a thought, why not try to get them off like any other dog in the world. HELLO. Our dinning room table is a counter top height and has a low sitting center. It sits maybe 8-10 inches off the floor. He still, even though he's taller than the girls when he stands on his back legs, will run to hide under there when he's in trouble. One of these days he is going to get stuck, or pull the table down the hall way with him. He is terrified of Mexicans. NO IDEA. We have Mexicans that do our yard work and he does not like them. He stares out the window and shakes. He is funny with Scooter. He is 10 times bigger than Scooter and still growing...but Scooter wins EVERY battle. It's hilarious. If Scooter takes a toy from Rockford, Rock will follow Scooter then sit right in front of him, nose touching the toy Scooter just stole and has in his own mouth and will just sit there and whine and cry. Dumb Dog. Your bigger than he is, take it out of his mouth, knock him over...something. Yes Scooter is MUCH more well endowed than you are but try to be somewhat of a man. He loves to play with bugs. But he does not understand why they don't stay when he tells them too. Then it's like he gets upset when they die on him. He had a fly the other night. He actually got his paw down on him. He stood there for a minute then slowly lifted his foot. The fly flew off. Took Rockford a good 20 minutes to get him again. He caught it in his mouth and then gently laid it on the floor and put his paw over it again. He repeated this several times. Then the fly died. He looked at it for the longest time and then looked at us like, what did you do? The batteries are dead. DO something please. We flushed it down the toilet and this is hilarious...we put it in the toilet and Rockford was like a kid that just lost a gold fish...he put his paws on the toilet seat and we flushed it and he rolled his head around following the bug and water till it went all the way down. Then he just stood there. I again had to physically remove him from the bathroom. He has been losing his baby teeth. Like no dog I have ever known. Amy, our loving vet, said that was the pit side of him. He lost 7 in one day. I was like what the heck. He can't possibly have many teeth to chew with at this point. He may need dentures to help chew his food. There are only three things I have found that he IS good at. He's a GREAT car rider. Loves to ride. He goes to school every Friday night. AT school in front of the teacher, he does EVERYTHING perfectly. The teacher is only telling us what to do and we command him to do it and give the treat. So the only difference outside of class would be that the teacher is not there. So Hello...what would be the problem. He has 4 weeks left and I'm sure he will graduate. They actually have a graduation like hat and tassel and all! Seriously. Anyway. The last thing he does well is forward rolls. He does better rolls than the girls. I didn't even have to teach him. Anyone that has had me teach them a forward roll knows that I say to look at your belly button and roll...Rockford looks at his belly button so well and he doesn't even have one! But no brains....good heavens to Betsy.
Rockford has supplied me with alot of laughs. Laughs that I so desperately need lately. If you don't want honesty and seriousness stop reading now. Many know I have been going through alot of test lately. Not just in school. But health wise. I have been on 4 different meds, all at the same time, for anxiety, panic attacks and depression for years now. I thought all was well. I take my meds, yes I take drugs. Things were going well. Till a few months ago, I just started feeling like I did before I got the meds. Not eating some days...like a week or so, then eat everything in sight, then not eat for a while. Sick to my stomach. Nervous about everything. Cry at the drop of a hat. Well we have been doing some test. They've ruled out the ulcer (which I get alot of). They ruled out chemical imbalance. We are going to be doing more test. But in a nut shell....things are just hard right now. Getting up in the morning seems like the hardest thing anyone could ask of me many days. If you've seen me around town, you know that the normal Candy all with makeup, cute outfit and smile is not what your getting. Rather it's like I just rolled out of bed. Which I probably did, just to make it to class and get the girls to school. I don't want to go into too much but I am going to say...if you don't get a smile....please don't give me a sermon. Don't think I'm mad at anyone especially you. I'm not. I'm just making it. Things will get better. My doctors just have to figure somethings out. I just have to do what I'm told and be patient. I like how Chonda puts things...though she dealt with much more of a bigger issue than me...but I can't do any more Bible studies than I'm doing, I am good with sins being confessed, I have prayed. I have done all that. I thought until I read her book that I was the one with the issue. Sometimes it seems SO much easier to just NOT go to church and try to dress yourself up with a smile and a nice outfit than it is to just stay home and be yourself...worn out, tears falling when they want, in your pj self. I've ventured to church though a few times in the past 3 weeks. Go me!
I tell you guys this cause I know that many are really wondering what is wrong with me. I was asked the other day if we changed churches? Which I've been asked alot. Two times I've been asked if Michael and I were having problems? No no no, nothing like that. Michael and I are great! I couldn't ask for a better partner and support than my husband. And I love our church. It's home. But everyone knows that sometimes when you appear not put together...the questions alone (forget the endless advice you may get, even when not asked) is really too difficult to handle. But I love our church. We ain't goin anywhere.
I gotta tell you something funny though. I joke that we have been goin to Bedside Baptist for a few months. Which means we have been watching TRBC. First, Lord bless Jonthan Falwell. He is SO anointed. God is using him in ways that blows me away. And I'm not even a member of TRBC. Which means I'm seeing it from afar. I always get excited to see what else he has up his sleve to help him present the gospel in such a way that anyone would feel comfortable to sit and listen. Even if their not "church" folk. This Sunday I laughed so stinkin hard. It was hard to sing the worship songs as behind Chucky B was the HUGE I mean HUGE pair of men's legs. In blue jeans and a belt, with cowboy boots on it looked like. But I tell you the attention to detail was unbelievable. I knew I was "sick". Maybe a little less "detail" in a certain area would have been a little better. I'm probably the only sick person that would notice. (But watch now all of you will be looking...Lord forgive me.) I know I have issues. But it was great! I loved it. Keep on keepin on Jonathan. He said they were going to finish him which I guess means that the rest of this "MAN'S" body will appear. Hopefully not well cut and without a shirt.
Well anyway, there was alot in here and I'm sorry there is no way to ease into what all is goin on. Just pray that's really the best thing ya'll can do. I am not use to my kids asking "mom, when are my favorite pear of jeans going to be clean." That's like a knife to the heart. If you know me I normally wash the clothes we wore that day and have them put away before I go to bed and well....lets just say I had to buy alot of laundry baskets.
God is faithful and I know that. I just have to trust Him and well...ride the rough waters in the dark of the storm till the coast guard arrives.
Just breathing
Candy
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