Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, proceedor day
Today I didn't have to be at Mayo till late morning. Which was good cause I couldn't get to sleep till 2am. I put a iv in for dehydration and to inject some dye. I had to wait for 1 hour after this was started for the proceedor to begin. I fell asleep. I was glad when they said it was all done, they were able to drain and I would not need surgery. However cramp like pain was very much present and strong from the beginning of the proceedor. Dr. said you will be in a good deal of pain the next 24-48 hours. Boy he wasn't joking. The pain got worse as I sat up and walked. I had to pick up my vicadin...figured that may come in good use. I just took that and well thoughts would fill you all in while I was weighting for that to kick in. That being said, I'm going to close my eyes...think I'm done for the day...goodnight all.
Tuesdays findings
I had a strange day at Mayo. They had done xrays and such the day before. Today they were doing songrams from different angels and place on my body. External and Internal. I cyst the size of a tennis ball was present on my ovary. Dr. Riegert-Johnson was concerned. I was having alot of pain Monday and Tuesday. He said he wanted to get that grained. I would come back Wednesday to see if they could drain it with a scope type thing. If not surgery would be needed and I would have to stay over night. So I was bumb about this. I got my prescription for Vicadin (spell?). I had dropped that off but didn't wait for it. I didn't need to walk Target and spend money for 30 mins. So I went on home. So that covers today.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Dryin out
Well well well. Two days of the weekend without going to Mayo. But it was back to work today! It's always a little uneasy walking into the Mayo clinic. I hever know what exactually there are going to do to me that day. Today, they look more blood. as it they don't have enough of mine already. I had to sit and take two bags of iv fluids cause I was so dehydrated they couldn't get to a vein. I could keep my mouth wet to save my life either. Hard to force anything, even liquids down, when your gagging on everything that goes in the mouth. So after this long ordeal, they send me for some xrays. Just what I needed, more radiation. They keep it up, I'm going to have cancer before they are done researching. I was really worn out today. I slept while the iv fluids were going in and calasped in bed when I got home about 4pm. I'm awake but done for the day. O I have 4 ant bites on my right foot. I HATE ant bites. They itch so stinkin bad. But today they were itching and took the sheet on the Mayo bed and just rubbed it as hard as I could. That nurse thought something was mentally wrong with me. O well. I return to tomorrow but should be a short visit.
Terra keeps calling my cell and leaving me these long messages. I cry when I ear them and have saved em so I could play them again. She says she misses me so so so so much that when I get home she wants to have a girls only day. She goes on and on and with that lil voice it's heart breaking. I have test scheduled all the way thru Thursday of this week. So I don't know when I'll be leaving. Thats the hard part. You don't know when the light is going to come at the end of tunnell. Please continue to pray for my girls, Michael and I as we are apart during this time. It's so hard to be here without them. I know it's good that I take this time and get better so I can get back to being a mom and wife but sometimes I feel so alone here. I gave some great family here but you know the bond that you have with your kids and spouse...hard to fill that void.
I'd like to thank my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Andy for putting me up and putting up with me this past week. They have made sure I eat when I don't want to and are there to talk to. I hope I can help you two out one day. I love you both.
Please continue to pray for some family issues that are on going here as well. Thanks again for all your support and prayers!
Candy Justice
Terra keeps calling my cell and leaving me these long messages. I cry when I ear them and have saved em so I could play them again. She says she misses me so so so so much that when I get home she wants to have a girls only day. She goes on and on and with that lil voice it's heart breaking. I have test scheduled all the way thru Thursday of this week. So I don't know when I'll be leaving. Thats the hard part. You don't know when the light is going to come at the end of tunnell. Please continue to pray for my girls, Michael and I as we are apart during this time. It's so hard to be here without them. I know it's good that I take this time and get better so I can get back to being a mom and wife but sometimes I feel so alone here. I gave some great family here but you know the bond that you have with your kids and spouse...hard to fill that void.
I'd like to thank my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Andy for putting me up and putting up with me this past week. They have made sure I eat when I don't want to and are there to talk to. I hope I can help you two out one day. I love you both.
Please continue to pray for some family issues that are on going here as well. Thanks again for all your support and prayers!
Candy Justice
Friday, March 12, 2010
Needles and knifes
Friday, March 12. I woke anxious to get to Mayo to have the mole on my neck that turned black all of a sudden. I dropped "things" off at the lab. Had more blood withdrawn. Then I went for my next appointment. I had no idea what they were going to do. It's a good thing, cause I may not have walked in there. In no time I was having three needles stabbed into my stomach and then some fluid withdrawn as well. OUCH. I mentioned the mole on my neck. The dr whom I didn't have a appointment with, called me back within 30 minutes. Now what doctor do you know that I can walk in with a problem, no warning. And within minutes the doctor is ready to see you for your concern? I thought for sure I would be there forever. I mean the waiting room was full. After a quick look at the mole he said he was going to schedule for me to see a dermentologist. I thought great, I can get this looked at some time next week and be done with it. No I was seen within hours. These people don't play. So in pain and anxious to leave from the sticking earlier, I sat waiting to meet my next doctor. Dr Randel actually saw me an hour early cause I told the nurse I was in pain and she could clearly see that for herself. I was taken back. Dr Randel took a quick look at the spot with this thing on his head and these glasses that came over his eyes. He said he did not like the way it looked at all and it would need to be removed. He didn't stop there. I checked every inch of my body to make sure there were no other places of concern. So asking when we would remove the spot...right now he said. Great more pain for the day I thought. He had a nurse come in and be began quickly with no warning. He numbed things like a dentist. Four BIG sticks around the sight. He told me it would be a big stick. I said like an iv? He said no, a BIG stick. OUCH. Alot of stinging as the meds went in. He cut it off, then dug a little. Four stitches later...he is all done. It is bothering me but I'm glad it is off. He sent it off and said I would hear back by next Wednesday.
Well that is about it for today. Thank you again for all your prayers.
Candy
Well that is about it for today. Thank you again for all your prayers.
Candy
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Two Days into Mayo testing
I've had several people ask e to blog about my Mayo experience. Just taking some time to write things down so I will remember and I can keep people updated better than one liner things on facebook. So here's my happenings so far.
I guess I'll start with my flight here. These were not a piece of cake. Even though the doctors gave me extra meds to help with the stress, anxiety and motion of the flights. The first flight was really rough. I have never felt so alone and like a freak show before. I began throwing up in every bag I could reach or was passed just ten minutes into the flight. The poor lady ended up moving me to the back of the plane where I was all alone. I did get a free coke out of the deal! Anyway, I was so glad to just land and get off of there. It was crazy. I felt so weak but I had to get to my next gate in the Atlanta airport. Thank goodness for the train in that airport. The worlds busiest airport. It is a very nice airport though. I don't mind it at all. So many hate it. But anyway, to save money I had to get all my things in my purse, a bookbag and a carry in size. Which I must say was a miracle of God. I still brought 4 pairs of shoes. I'm a REALLY good packer!!! Anyway, my second flight was much better. Though I was so drugged out by that point I felt like I was sleep walking to the car once I landed in Jacksonville. I basically was sleeping with the sand man the rest of the day. This was on Monday, March 8th.
Tuesday morning I woke with alot of pain and really bad panic attacks. I thought I could take my meds and rest through it all but I ended up having to call my dad to come sit at my aunt's house with me. I slept the whole day. I knew I just needed to get through that day and I would be checking into the Mayo Clinic early on Wednesday, March 10th.
Finally, the long awaited day was here. All these symptoms and illness had been going on since November 16. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had never been that sick. Which says alot, cause for some reason, I've had some pretty rough health on and off.
Maybe I should pause and fill you in if you have not been up on what has been going on. I'll give you the quick version. November 16 I woke feeling great. I went to the gym that morning and had a great work out. The girls were in school and Michael was out of town. I got some work done around the house that day and really felt great. I did start to feel really nauseous about 1pm. As usual I had not had anything but a protein shake before I went to the gym. I get caught up in what I'm doing and will go without eating and not even think about it. So I fixed me a sandwhich. I decided to lay down for a lil bit before heading to get the girls from school. I felt a lil better so thought nothing of it. I grab a trash can on my way out just in case. I'm the worst person about vomiting. I can't stop once I start, I can't control myself...it's not pretty. I threw up the whole way to the school and the whole way back. I got in a bath. For some reason I think baths will make things better. I will take them every 30 minutes till the hot water is gone whether it helps or not. Anyway, I never did get things to stop. The girls were trying to do their homework in my bedroom while coming to check on me often. I finally told them to call my mother in law. Before I knew it, my mother in law, my sister in law and three ambulances were at my house. I was rushed to the er sirens and all. Never had that before. Lights, but never sirens. They gave me pain meds for the severe ab pain, iv fluids and zophran for the vomiting...there were people everywhere. There was no waiting for anything or any doctor. They rushed to my side. All that was found was a extremely high white blood count, high fever. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days. I do not remember much of that stay. I was so sick. To make a long story short, I had this happen every week for the next 2 months. I have stayed a total of 32 days in the hospital since Nov 16. Many test, proceedors and a surgery have been done with no findings. Other than a small tear in my intestine, repeat high white blood count, fever, hives, rashes, swelling of the joints, cysts on the ovaries and lose stools. These are the symptoms and they have been coming and going with no rhyme or reason since November 16. The panic attacks are a by product of the stress on my body. I have been dealing with anixety and depression for 4-5 years now.
Ok so I was anxious but glad my date to check in was here. My dad drove me to Mayo at 6am in the morning. Which is a beautiful campus, blocks form the beach. If I had the money I would stay at the hotel on site. Just awesome place. Very efficent. Not your typical hospital at all. I checked in and then waited for the appointment with the doctor. Dr Crespo is my doctor at Mayo. I really took to him within minutes of us being together. He spent a lil over an hour talking with me and examining me. He never seemed rushed or anything. It was like I was his only patient for the day. Now he did mention Lopis. And no I'm not sure how you spell that either. I don't know what that is. He said I have 7 of thr 12 symptoms of Lopis. He told me not to concern myself with that right now. He said he wanted to bring another doctor in the room so they could consult with each other. He asked me if that was ok. They both came in and really explained things and gave me plenty of time to ask questions. They said that they would be running alot of test and some will seem odd to me. But that they needed me to just be paitent and be open with them. They both took a look at my current meds. I got really nervous as they talked about needing to take me off all my meds as they would interfer with some testing that they would need to do. I mean, my anxiety and depression meds I do not play with. That freaks me out. I'm trying to trust though. These are suppose to be some of the best doctors in the world. I may have the best doctors in Lynchburg, VA, but even they, like me, are reaching out to these doctors for help to figure out what is wrong with me. So I left very scared. They scheduled me for some blood work the following day that I would need to fast for. They were concerned enough about my panic attacks, as I had two while with them, that they doubled my seroquel that day. I got home and laid down at 11am after taking my double dose and woke at 6pm. Talk about some good sleep. Me and the sand man have had some deep sleeping.
So this brings me to today, Thursday, March 11th. I had asked my mom to drive me today. It is a good 45 minute drive one way to the clinic. So gas is going to be an issue. My dad needed the day off to relax anyway. We arrived and it was so neat. It was a big waiting area with chairs all facing this long wall. The wall had three doors. They were shaded glass doors. Like star track or something. So neat. The nurses would push a button and the doors would go into the wall. They were coming out of those doors like popcorn. They were so efficient. They took NINE tubes of blood from me. That lady was scaring me. I have rolling veins and they are tiny. She was on her third try in my arm and said "your dehydrated and if I can't get it this time I'm going to have to go for your neck." I made a deal with her. I normally tell them "DO NOT chase my vein!". That HURTS so bad. Well i told her, I'll let you chase this one...I do not want you to go into my neck. Lord, it took her forever. I was about to pull it out myself. But she finally got it. Then they gabe me a shot of some orangey/red fluid. I have no idea what that was. I was trying not to pass out. I don't think they have any small needles at Mayo. She stuck me 12 times and not once was it a small needle. I felt so sick to my stomach after all that. They sent me home with "homework". I really don't think you want to know what exactually this homework is...lets just say think of the most disgusting thing they could ask you to do...and times it times 10.
As the day went on, it got worse. I had some issues (we won't go into details there either). But I handled it. I have been so tired all day but not really able to sleep. You know that place. Too tired to relax. I didn't want to take any extra drugs so I just managed. Now it's 11:30pm and I'm wide awake. And this is after taking all my sleeping aids and other drugs. I'm a lil concerned about something I discovered this afternoon. Dr. Crespo asked me about a mole I have on my neck. It has been there forever. It's never bothered me. It's not next to the skin it kinda hangs a little. He asked me how long it had been there and if it had gotten darker or bled. I said no. Well I hadn't looked at it in a long time either. I was fixing my hair and it was just after 5pm. I noticed in the mirror that the mole was completely black. I got sick to my stomach....thinking the worst. It is hard, like it's dead. Now he didn't say it was dark or anything when he asked me about it. So now I'm worried about it. I'm going back to Mayo in the morning and can't wait to have someone look at it, It will have to come off now for sure.
Well I guess this brings things up to date in deatil. I'll plan to write each day and that way I won't have to write such a long one each time.
Current Prayer Concerns:
*The drs as they test and find out what is wrong
*There is alot of family issues here in Florida...it's hard to try and handle things with me and these issues. Please pray that I can really lay everything, everyone and every situation at His feet each moment so things will not become too stressful
*Financial...it is not cheap when you have to buy supplies, food and alot of gas to live away from home.
*Michael, the girls and I as we are away from each other. It's hard to not have your husband and children to support you and be with you during a stressful time like this.
*The girls emotional and education. the girls worry so much about me and it really effects them at school. Please pray they can focus on their work, work hard and depend on all the support they have there. It's not mommy of course....
Thank you all for your prayers, calls, emails and support.
Needing God's arms always around me,
Candy Justice
I guess I'll start with my flight here. These were not a piece of cake. Even though the doctors gave me extra meds to help with the stress, anxiety and motion of the flights. The first flight was really rough. I have never felt so alone and like a freak show before. I began throwing up in every bag I could reach or was passed just ten minutes into the flight. The poor lady ended up moving me to the back of the plane where I was all alone. I did get a free coke out of the deal! Anyway, I was so glad to just land and get off of there. It was crazy. I felt so weak but I had to get to my next gate in the Atlanta airport. Thank goodness for the train in that airport. The worlds busiest airport. It is a very nice airport though. I don't mind it at all. So many hate it. But anyway, to save money I had to get all my things in my purse, a bookbag and a carry in size. Which I must say was a miracle of God. I still brought 4 pairs of shoes. I'm a REALLY good packer!!! Anyway, my second flight was much better. Though I was so drugged out by that point I felt like I was sleep walking to the car once I landed in Jacksonville. I basically was sleeping with the sand man the rest of the day. This was on Monday, March 8th.
Tuesday morning I woke with alot of pain and really bad panic attacks. I thought I could take my meds and rest through it all but I ended up having to call my dad to come sit at my aunt's house with me. I slept the whole day. I knew I just needed to get through that day and I would be checking into the Mayo Clinic early on Wednesday, March 10th.
Finally, the long awaited day was here. All these symptoms and illness had been going on since November 16. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had never been that sick. Which says alot, cause for some reason, I've had some pretty rough health on and off.
Maybe I should pause and fill you in if you have not been up on what has been going on. I'll give you the quick version. November 16 I woke feeling great. I went to the gym that morning and had a great work out. The girls were in school and Michael was out of town. I got some work done around the house that day and really felt great. I did start to feel really nauseous about 1pm. As usual I had not had anything but a protein shake before I went to the gym. I get caught up in what I'm doing and will go without eating and not even think about it. So I fixed me a sandwhich. I decided to lay down for a lil bit before heading to get the girls from school. I felt a lil better so thought nothing of it. I grab a trash can on my way out just in case. I'm the worst person about vomiting. I can't stop once I start, I can't control myself...it's not pretty. I threw up the whole way to the school and the whole way back. I got in a bath. For some reason I think baths will make things better. I will take them every 30 minutes till the hot water is gone whether it helps or not. Anyway, I never did get things to stop. The girls were trying to do their homework in my bedroom while coming to check on me often. I finally told them to call my mother in law. Before I knew it, my mother in law, my sister in law and three ambulances were at my house. I was rushed to the er sirens and all. Never had that before. Lights, but never sirens. They gave me pain meds for the severe ab pain, iv fluids and zophran for the vomiting...there were people everywhere. There was no waiting for anything or any doctor. They rushed to my side. All that was found was a extremely high white blood count, high fever. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days. I do not remember much of that stay. I was so sick. To make a long story short, I had this happen every week for the next 2 months. I have stayed a total of 32 days in the hospital since Nov 16. Many test, proceedors and a surgery have been done with no findings. Other than a small tear in my intestine, repeat high white blood count, fever, hives, rashes, swelling of the joints, cysts on the ovaries and lose stools. These are the symptoms and they have been coming and going with no rhyme or reason since November 16. The panic attacks are a by product of the stress on my body. I have been dealing with anixety and depression for 4-5 years now.
Ok so I was anxious but glad my date to check in was here. My dad drove me to Mayo at 6am in the morning. Which is a beautiful campus, blocks form the beach. If I had the money I would stay at the hotel on site. Just awesome place. Very efficent. Not your typical hospital at all. I checked in and then waited for the appointment with the doctor. Dr Crespo is my doctor at Mayo. I really took to him within minutes of us being together. He spent a lil over an hour talking with me and examining me. He never seemed rushed or anything. It was like I was his only patient for the day. Now he did mention Lopis. And no I'm not sure how you spell that either. I don't know what that is. He said I have 7 of thr 12 symptoms of Lopis. He told me not to concern myself with that right now. He said he wanted to bring another doctor in the room so they could consult with each other. He asked me if that was ok. They both came in and really explained things and gave me plenty of time to ask questions. They said that they would be running alot of test and some will seem odd to me. But that they needed me to just be paitent and be open with them. They both took a look at my current meds. I got really nervous as they talked about needing to take me off all my meds as they would interfer with some testing that they would need to do. I mean, my anxiety and depression meds I do not play with. That freaks me out. I'm trying to trust though. These are suppose to be some of the best doctors in the world. I may have the best doctors in Lynchburg, VA, but even they, like me, are reaching out to these doctors for help to figure out what is wrong with me. So I left very scared. They scheduled me for some blood work the following day that I would need to fast for. They were concerned enough about my panic attacks, as I had two while with them, that they doubled my seroquel that day. I got home and laid down at 11am after taking my double dose and woke at 6pm. Talk about some good sleep. Me and the sand man have had some deep sleeping.
So this brings me to today, Thursday, March 11th. I had asked my mom to drive me today. It is a good 45 minute drive one way to the clinic. So gas is going to be an issue. My dad needed the day off to relax anyway. We arrived and it was so neat. It was a big waiting area with chairs all facing this long wall. The wall had three doors. They were shaded glass doors. Like star track or something. So neat. The nurses would push a button and the doors would go into the wall. They were coming out of those doors like popcorn. They were so efficient. They took NINE tubes of blood from me. That lady was scaring me. I have rolling veins and they are tiny. She was on her third try in my arm and said "your dehydrated and if I can't get it this time I'm going to have to go for your neck." I made a deal with her. I normally tell them "DO NOT chase my vein!". That HURTS so bad. Well i told her, I'll let you chase this one...I do not want you to go into my neck. Lord, it took her forever. I was about to pull it out myself. But she finally got it. Then they gabe me a shot of some orangey/red fluid. I have no idea what that was. I was trying not to pass out. I don't think they have any small needles at Mayo. She stuck me 12 times and not once was it a small needle. I felt so sick to my stomach after all that. They sent me home with "homework". I really don't think you want to know what exactually this homework is...lets just say think of the most disgusting thing they could ask you to do...and times it times 10.
As the day went on, it got worse. I had some issues (we won't go into details there either). But I handled it. I have been so tired all day but not really able to sleep. You know that place. Too tired to relax. I didn't want to take any extra drugs so I just managed. Now it's 11:30pm and I'm wide awake. And this is after taking all my sleeping aids and other drugs. I'm a lil concerned about something I discovered this afternoon. Dr. Crespo asked me about a mole I have on my neck. It has been there forever. It's never bothered me. It's not next to the skin it kinda hangs a little. He asked me how long it had been there and if it had gotten darker or bled. I said no. Well I hadn't looked at it in a long time either. I was fixing my hair and it was just after 5pm. I noticed in the mirror that the mole was completely black. I got sick to my stomach....thinking the worst. It is hard, like it's dead. Now he didn't say it was dark or anything when he asked me about it. So now I'm worried about it. I'm going back to Mayo in the morning and can't wait to have someone look at it, It will have to come off now for sure.
Well I guess this brings things up to date in deatil. I'll plan to write each day and that way I won't have to write such a long one each time.
Current Prayer Concerns:
*The drs as they test and find out what is wrong
*There is alot of family issues here in Florida...it's hard to try and handle things with me and these issues. Please pray that I can really lay everything, everyone and every situation at His feet each moment so things will not become too stressful
*Financial...it is not cheap when you have to buy supplies, food and alot of gas to live away from home.
*Michael, the girls and I as we are away from each other. It's hard to not have your husband and children to support you and be with you during a stressful time like this.
*The girls emotional and education. the girls worry so much about me and it really effects them at school. Please pray they can focus on their work, work hard and depend on all the support they have there. It's not mommy of course....
Thank you all for your prayers, calls, emails and support.
Needing God's arms always around me,
Candy Justice
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
God still hears the broken hearted sinner
Let me clear the questions...NO we did not make our trip to Florida. Many things went into play on this change. And yes my van being UN FIXABLE was a factor...but as it turns out...we will be squeezing every bit of life out of it. If you see me on the side of the road...I might need help! I love that van, paid for, alot of trips and memories...so yes I got it back for what ever it has left to give me.
I think maybe I might pay dearly for doing step, arruns all day, cleaning all the floors in the house, and then biking for 14 miles...but I think the ride was worth it!
So I started by asking God if He would use the ride to...well meet with me. I continued "I'm aware that you are there when two or more or gathered". But asked if He would indulge me and maybe count my bike as one or...something. I think He agreed.
I normally do not listen to head phones when exercising like that alone...but I thought it worth the "danger". I put on praise music and just listened. I couldn't bring myself to sing many of the words.
I've been asking myself this question...cause a dear friend advised me to...Who am I? Thanks S.H....but I'm having a hard time with this exercise. You said look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. So I've been trying to see really when you take the walls down, and Lord knows I keep those up. When you set aside the "I must be holier than thou". I must never let my deep darkest sins be known. Not even to the body of Christ, cause well I've heard enough gasping in the past when (what I thought would be my worst sin) known. Take the Sunday make-up off. The labels of mom, wife, choir member and even Christian. Maybe I went a step too far there but stay with me. Who am I? What is my natural make-up inside. Not the fake stuff. The choir brat, the choir clown, the VBS worker...I could go on and on. I still have not found an answer. Sorry...I will search till it is found.
I got something else out of my ride...In what might be the best church service because, well there's no one to gasp. God doesn't, He knows all and yet still loves me, makes His grace new EVERYDAY, not just on Sunday's! I love that. Even more His grace is new every moment. Which personally I need right now.
I asked God why do I do stupid things? Not the stupid things I do to make everyone laugh and think that I have it all together, I mean the secret sins and failures that I seem to half accept His grace for cause well, I can't forgive myself. He took me a different route.
As I rolled over the trail. It starts out slightly downward. We move along nicely. Quickly these cracks and breaking of the trail come along from the roots of the trees on the side. We think the trees are a blessing...and sometimes they are! But other times, their roots (the roots of our past) will cause a few dumps when we least expect it. These trees can be blessings and the roots pop up so we can use them to help others. Sometimes the roots come up, and it's defeat. The past coming back to catch us off guard and cause problems. God allows them to come up, breaking through our smooth ride cause it's then, that He wants us to face the roots of the past. Deal with, learn from and let go of. Just when we thought we were past it all. There is another type of root though. The root and crack caused from sin in our past or present lives. Maybe sin we thought we got past, or sin we thought we could hide. Ya know Jamey Ragle said "if you think you will not get caught in your sin, you would be THE ONLY ONE who didn't get caught." True. Maybe not today, or even months but some day, you will get caught.
So what do we do with that? I kept asking..."Lord seriously, Your going to forgive me for something I go over and over again?" Ya know...somehow He whispered the words, "if my blood could not cover THIS sin, how could it cover ANY sin?" Good question. Boy our Father is a tough lover isn't He.
I'd like to say I got through with that conversation with Christ, but He and I are going to need some more dialogue before that conversation is over, understood, accepted and taken to heart. I thought it worth sharing anyway.
After the sermon, we had the Lord's supper. Bugs flying in the mouth were...the body of Christ. Tears and sweat, were the blood of Christ. I just thought that was funny.
I hung onto the last praise song...as I rode the bike and didn't try to find anymore words, just trying to grasp what He had already laid in my lap...words I needed as a encouragement than I can step forward from here. My prayer as I ended my ride and got in the van to pray (out load) all the way to get the girls...came from that last song.
Lord, when all my hope is lost...I will call You Savior.
When pain surrounds...I will call You Healer
When silence falls (as it has alot this week)...I'll ask that You be the Song in my heart.
Abba Father, thank you for your presence no matter where we are. I have felt Your hands holding me tightly this week. Even when I couldn't speak a word to pray, You accepted my silence cries. You gifted me this week in spite of my circumstance. You even lead me to the right women of Christ to be the circle around me. In that was a brand new friendship that only You could have formed. As You prepared us both, months before we would actually take the step toward each other. I thank you for Your love in tough times. Help me to remain ever mindful of Your love for me. How YOU see me and not how others see me. Help me as I continue to find the whole truth of who I am.
Your troubled child,
Candy
I think maybe I might pay dearly for doing step, arruns all day, cleaning all the floors in the house, and then biking for 14 miles...but I think the ride was worth it!
So I started by asking God if He would use the ride to...well meet with me. I continued "I'm aware that you are there when two or more or gathered". But asked if He would indulge me and maybe count my bike as one or...something. I think He agreed.
I normally do not listen to head phones when exercising like that alone...but I thought it worth the "danger". I put on praise music and just listened. I couldn't bring myself to sing many of the words.
I've been asking myself this question...cause a dear friend advised me to...Who am I? Thanks S.H....but I'm having a hard time with this exercise. You said look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. So I've been trying to see really when you take the walls down, and Lord knows I keep those up. When you set aside the "I must be holier than thou". I must never let my deep darkest sins be known. Not even to the body of Christ, cause well I've heard enough gasping in the past when (what I thought would be my worst sin) known. Take the Sunday make-up off. The labels of mom, wife, choir member and even Christian. Maybe I went a step too far there but stay with me. Who am I? What is my natural make-up inside. Not the fake stuff. The choir brat, the choir clown, the VBS worker...I could go on and on. I still have not found an answer. Sorry...I will search till it is found.
I got something else out of my ride...In what might be the best church service because, well there's no one to gasp. God doesn't, He knows all and yet still loves me, makes His grace new EVERYDAY, not just on Sunday's! I love that. Even more His grace is new every moment. Which personally I need right now.
I asked God why do I do stupid things? Not the stupid things I do to make everyone laugh and think that I have it all together, I mean the secret sins and failures that I seem to half accept His grace for cause well, I can't forgive myself. He took me a different route.
As I rolled over the trail. It starts out slightly downward. We move along nicely. Quickly these cracks and breaking of the trail come along from the roots of the trees on the side. We think the trees are a blessing...and sometimes they are! But other times, their roots (the roots of our past) will cause a few dumps when we least expect it. These trees can be blessings and the roots pop up so we can use them to help others. Sometimes the roots come up, and it's defeat. The past coming back to catch us off guard and cause problems. God allows them to come up, breaking through our smooth ride cause it's then, that He wants us to face the roots of the past. Deal with, learn from and let go of. Just when we thought we were past it all. There is another type of root though. The root and crack caused from sin in our past or present lives. Maybe sin we thought we got past, or sin we thought we could hide. Ya know Jamey Ragle said "if you think you will not get caught in your sin, you would be THE ONLY ONE who didn't get caught." True. Maybe not today, or even months but some day, you will get caught.
So what do we do with that? I kept asking..."Lord seriously, Your going to forgive me for something I go over and over again?" Ya know...somehow He whispered the words, "if my blood could not cover THIS sin, how could it cover ANY sin?" Good question. Boy our Father is a tough lover isn't He.
I'd like to say I got through with that conversation with Christ, but He and I are going to need some more dialogue before that conversation is over, understood, accepted and taken to heart. I thought it worth sharing anyway.
After the sermon, we had the Lord's supper. Bugs flying in the mouth were...the body of Christ. Tears and sweat, were the blood of Christ. I just thought that was funny.
I hung onto the last praise song...as I rode the bike and didn't try to find anymore words, just trying to grasp what He had already laid in my lap...words I needed as a encouragement than I can step forward from here. My prayer as I ended my ride and got in the van to pray (out load) all the way to get the girls...came from that last song.
Lord, when all my hope is lost...I will call You Savior.
When pain surrounds...I will call You Healer
When silence falls (as it has alot this week)...I'll ask that You be the Song in my heart.
Abba Father, thank you for your presence no matter where we are. I have felt Your hands holding me tightly this week. Even when I couldn't speak a word to pray, You accepted my silence cries. You gifted me this week in spite of my circumstance. You even lead me to the right women of Christ to be the circle around me. In that was a brand new friendship that only You could have formed. As You prepared us both, months before we would actually take the step toward each other. I thank you for Your love in tough times. Help me to remain ever mindful of Your love for me. How YOU see me and not how others see me. Help me as I continue to find the whole truth of who I am.
Your troubled child,
Candy
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Then my response back...
Wow, I hate to hear that so many were loss this season. I remember we said we had to have at least 50 families to operate so yea 30 is way below the amount needed.
Please note I reached out to you for some answers to help those that have asked if I could see a way to keep it going that maybe you did not. But I am in full agreement with this info that there is no possible way to keep the gym going.
I do appreciate all the hard work you did for the program and have been very proud of how things have been going.
I do wish you all the luck as you start a new chapter.
No I really am not interested in getting back into this sport. Like I said I was searching for answers to be able to give advice...I might would consider it if there was enough families involved and the gym was just in need of someone to run it with coaches staying in place.
My girls are getting ready to turn 7. I have prayed they would not choose cheerleading and they have not even considered it. Even having friends in their class that were at CX, they never thought about going that way.
They are into voice, piano, comp swim with the Y and T-ball. As you could imagine I have no time for anything else. Swim is 4 days a week, 2 hours a day! We had to do swim 2 years ago to help with asthma but they fell in love with it and it really does wonders for the asthma.
The Markey's should have no problem selling the building. I would maybe reach out to Forest Dance Academy. They had looked at that land prior to us. I know they were concerned about moving in a different county but now that the building is in place they may really bite on it. If I remember correctly that building can really be changed to meet anyone's needs. Forest Dance NEEDS the space and could easily add a second level with many dance rooms. Just a thought.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. And thank you more for all you did for CX. It really was a great gift to the community while it lasted!
Candy
Please note I reached out to you for some answers to help those that have asked if I could see a way to keep it going that maybe you did not. But I am in full agreement with this info that there is no possible way to keep the gym going.
I do appreciate all the hard work you did for the program and have been very proud of how things have been going.
I do wish you all the luck as you start a new chapter.
No I really am not interested in getting back into this sport. Like I said I was searching for answers to be able to give advice...I might would consider it if there was enough families involved and the gym was just in need of someone to run it with coaches staying in place.
My girls are getting ready to turn 7. I have prayed they would not choose cheerleading and they have not even considered it. Even having friends in their class that were at CX, they never thought about going that way.
They are into voice, piano, comp swim with the Y and T-ball. As you could imagine I have no time for anything else. Swim is 4 days a week, 2 hours a day! We had to do swim 2 years ago to help with asthma but they fell in love with it and it really does wonders for the asthma.
The Markey's should have no problem selling the building. I would maybe reach out to Forest Dance Academy. They had looked at that land prior to us. I know they were concerned about moving in a different county but now that the building is in place they may really bite on it. If I remember correctly that building can really be changed to meet anyone's needs. Forest Dance NEEDS the space and could easily add a second level with many dance rooms. Just a thought.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. And thank you more for all you did for CX. It really was a great gift to the community while it lasted!
Candy
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