Let me clear the questions...NO we did not make our trip to Florida. Many things went into play on this change. And yes my van being UN FIXABLE was a factor...but as it turns out...we will be squeezing every bit of life out of it. If you see me on the side of the road...I might need help! I love that van, paid for, alot of trips and memories...so yes I got it back for what ever it has left to give me.
I think maybe I might pay dearly for doing step, arruns all day, cleaning all the floors in the house, and then biking for 14 miles...but I think the ride was worth it!
So I started by asking God if He would use the ride to...well meet with me. I continued "I'm aware that you are there when two or more or gathered". But asked if He would indulge me and maybe count my bike as one or...something. I think He agreed.
I normally do not listen to head phones when exercising like that alone...but I thought it worth the "danger". I put on praise music and just listened. I couldn't bring myself to sing many of the words.
I've been asking myself this question...cause a dear friend advised me to...Who am I? Thanks S.H....but I'm having a hard time with this exercise. You said look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. So I've been trying to see really when you take the walls down, and Lord knows I keep those up. When you set aside the "I must be holier than thou". I must never let my deep darkest sins be known. Not even to the body of Christ, cause well I've heard enough gasping in the past when (what I thought would be my worst sin) known. Take the Sunday make-up off. The labels of mom, wife, choir member and even Christian. Maybe I went a step too far there but stay with me. Who am I? What is my natural make-up inside. Not the fake stuff. The choir brat, the choir clown, the VBS worker...I could go on and on. I still have not found an answer. Sorry...I will search till it is found.
I got something else out of my ride...In what might be the best church service because, well there's no one to gasp. God doesn't, He knows all and yet still loves me, makes His grace new EVERYDAY, not just on Sunday's! I love that. Even more His grace is new every moment. Which personally I need right now.
I asked God why do I do stupid things? Not the stupid things I do to make everyone laugh and think that I have it all together, I mean the secret sins and failures that I seem to half accept His grace for cause well, I can't forgive myself. He took me a different route.
As I rolled over the trail. It starts out slightly downward. We move along nicely. Quickly these cracks and breaking of the trail come along from the roots of the trees on the side. We think the trees are a blessing...and sometimes they are! But other times, their roots (the roots of our past) will cause a few dumps when we least expect it. These trees can be blessings and the roots pop up so we can use them to help others. Sometimes the roots come up, and it's defeat. The past coming back to catch us off guard and cause problems. God allows them to come up, breaking through our smooth ride cause it's then, that He wants us to face the roots of the past. Deal with, learn from and let go of. Just when we thought we were past it all. There is another type of root though. The root and crack caused from sin in our past or present lives. Maybe sin we thought we got past, or sin we thought we could hide. Ya know Jamey Ragle said "if you think you will not get caught in your sin, you would be THE ONLY ONE who didn't get caught." True. Maybe not today, or even months but some day, you will get caught.
So what do we do with that? I kept asking..."Lord seriously, Your going to forgive me for something I go over and over again?" Ya know...somehow He whispered the words, "if my blood could not cover THIS sin, how could it cover ANY sin?" Good question. Boy our Father is a tough lover isn't He.
I'd like to say I got through with that conversation with Christ, but He and I are going to need some more dialogue before that conversation is over, understood, accepted and taken to heart. I thought it worth sharing anyway.
After the sermon, we had the Lord's supper. Bugs flying in the mouth were...the body of Christ. Tears and sweat, were the blood of Christ. I just thought that was funny.
I hung onto the last praise song...as I rode the bike and didn't try to find anymore words, just trying to grasp what He had already laid in my lap...words I needed as a encouragement than I can step forward from here. My prayer as I ended my ride and got in the van to pray (out load) all the way to get the girls...came from that last song.
Lord, when all my hope is lost...I will call You Savior.
When pain surrounds...I will call You Healer
When silence falls (as it has alot this week)...I'll ask that You be the Song in my heart.
Abba Father, thank you for your presence no matter where we are. I have felt Your hands holding me tightly this week. Even when I couldn't speak a word to pray, You accepted my silence cries. You gifted me this week in spite of my circumstance. You even lead me to the right women of Christ to be the circle around me. In that was a brand new friendship that only You could have formed. As You prepared us both, months before we would actually take the step toward each other. I thank you for Your love in tough times. Help me to remain ever mindful of Your love for me. How YOU see me and not how others see me. Help me as I continue to find the whole truth of who I am.
Your troubled child,
Candy
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