I am at a lost for words. Emotions have been up and down all day. (Mostly down). I have very precious cargo flying over seas at this moment. For the most part I tried to keep myself busy today. I watched a movie with the girls this morning after "the final phone call". I then took the girls out for chips and dip (Mexican) which only made me feel worse. I went to Target! That kept me busy for at least an hour. But finally back home to make dinner and get the girls off to VBS. A huge thank you to Lynne and Diana for helping transport the girls. It may seem like nothing to you. But that pick up and drop off keeps me from alone time in a car with time to think. Time to stare in the sky and wonder if that plane is still flying safely over the sea. As soon as I closed the door and the house was empty...I blasted Mike Speck music and hit the girls room for more reorganizing. Not allowing one second for the mind to stop. Nor the heart to cry anymore. I don't know that I have any more tears.
Ya know...something was said today that was very odd to me. I guess cause I am SUCH a people person and thought well....the words "I never thought about how my leaving to follow Christ would effect all those that I'm leaving behind." REALLY. Funny, to me that would have been one of my FIRST concerns.
Lord, bitterness and understanding is still so present in this whole plan of yours. I DON'T want my heart to be like this. I want to fully trust and support YOUR will for anyone's life that You would call to follow You. And to honor the obedience of a servant to leave EVERYTHING, he owns and follows You. Without one doubt that You have called Him for this purpose. Please continue to work in my heart. I thought I was doing better with all this. Till today. Now, well, he's gone now. Now what? Where am I in this plan? I know, it's not about me right?
You willing sent Your son to not just leave His home and come to earth. But to leave AND DIE to fulfill Your plan. I sure hope the death part is NOT in this plan. Lord, I need peace with this. Please help me.
Sorry I had to go on a rabbit trail there. Words can not express the emotions. I'm scared, angry (with myself for feeling this way and then for the whole plan), happy, proud, sad, honored, lost...I could list here forever.
I sat down when it was almost time for the girls to be home. I turned on the TV. Michael had run up to DQ, yes he is livin in sin. But I have stayed strong. Still NO CAKE! Anyway. I am NOT a reality show person. But I turned on and America's Got Talent was on. I immediately started laughing SO hard. I almost peed on myself.
There was this guy, dressed like Tina Turner and he was lip singing and dancing like Tina. It was...there are no words. It was so funny. Then luckily there were four more great, hilarious acts till the girls pulled up. The Michael pulled up shortly after. Thank goodness. The acts got just SAD after that. I don't know that I should thank God for putting that on TV but, it was a blessing to me.
Anyway, I need to close. I am NOT going to be sleeping tonight I'm sure...but I need to get up and go settle in for a movie night. Got all action and comedy lined up. So if your bored at 3am or any point of the night, come on by. I'll be up. And livin off coffee tomorrow. The Christian drug of choice.
Please keep the prayers goin. God has a plane in His hands tonight.
Trusting as one chases Christ
Candy Justice
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